The Hidden Cost of Trying to Control Your Birth

Written By Natalie Portman

Hey sweet mama, if you've ever felt like you're drowning in that heavy fog of anxiety or sadness during pregnancy or after baby arrives, you're not alone in this. Today's conversation with my friend Crystal Doiron is going to speak right to your heart. Crystal is a licensed therapist who also walked through some really dark postpartum days herself, so she understands both the professional and personal side of this struggle. This conversation is honest, vulnerable, and full of hope. Whether you're in the thick of it right now or want to prepare your heart for what might come, you're going to feel so seen and encouraged.

🎧 Listen to the Episode

When Birth Plans Crumble and Reality Hits Hard

Crystal's story begins like so many of ours—with big dreams and detailed plans. As a licensed clinical social worker and self-described "hyper-independent" planner, she approached her first birth with what she calls a "birth binder" (not just a birth plan!). She read every book, hired a doula, studied hypnobirthing, and felt prepared for anything.

But here's what Crystal realized in hindsight: "That was the beginning of me taking this birth in my own hands. Not giving it to the Lord, I was equipping myself because it felt like if I could figure it out, if I could do it the right way, it would be good."

Sound familiar, mama? So many of us fall into this trap—using the Lord as a "lucky charm" instead of actually trusting Him with our deepest fears and biggest moments.

When Everything Goes "Wrong"

Crystal's carefully laid plans began crumbling when preeclampsia forced an immediate induction. Four days of prodromal labor led to everything she didn't want: Pitocin, epidural, and ultimately a C-section. The moment that broke her heart most? Lying alone on the operating table, feeling empty and cold, thinking, "This isn't how it is in the movies."

The Hospital Struggles Continue

While Crystal recovered from surgery, her husband Spencer—carrying his own anxiety and trauma—made the difficult decision to start formula feeding when their son's needs felt urgent. Crystal woke up feeling betrayed, watching what felt like their last hope for "doing it right" slip away.

"I just was basically sobbing in the bed like, 'I guess it's over. Like nothing worked and we failed. And that's just how it is,'" Crystal shares.

The Slow Descent Into Darkness

Home from the hospital, Crystal found herself in what she calls "the hamster wheel"—moving through the motions of caring for baby while internally struggling. Her husband returned to work, they attempted shift parenting to avoid daycare, and isolation crept in.

The turning point came during a drive home from a walk. Crystal found herself thinking: "Clearly I'm very bad at this. I'm not meant to be a mom... They'll probably be better off without me." As a mental health professional, recognizing these suicidal thoughts terrified her—but it became her wake-up call.

The Path to Healing: Practical Steps for Struggling Mamas

Crystal's journey back to wholeness involved several key components:

  • Professional Help - Finding a therapist who helped her understand that self-care wasn't selfish—it was being a good mom.

  • Reclaiming Body Autonomy - Stopping co-sleeping and breastfeeding at 8 months, taking vitamins again, and prioritizing her physical health.

  • Reconnecting with God - "I started to pray again. I don't know if in that dark season if I actually prayed... but I don't think I was truly connecting with the Lord," Crystal admits. As healing began, it felt like "winter fades into spring and things slowly start to come back to life."

Five Medical Red Flags to Watch For

Crystal identifies five crucial medical indicators that can contribute to or worsen perinatal mood disorders:

  1. Anemia - Ask your doctor for labs if you feel "off" postpartum

  2. Thyroid problems - Especially important if breastfeeding

  3. Blood sugar regulation - Proper nutrition is crucial for mental health

  4. Lack of sleep - Extended sleep deprivation changes how we process serotonin

  5. Lack of support - We weren't created to operate in isolation

Scripture to Hold Onto

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness." — Lamentations 3:22-23

Crystal shares: "It was like the Lord was telling me so personally to my heart, I'm with you. I'm not going anywhere. I saw it all. I was with you during it, and I will be with you in every step moving forward, good or bad."

The Truth About Perfection and Motherhood

Here's what Crystal wants every mama to know: "No one is expecting you to do this perfectly, and no one is expecting you to do this with complete excellence, without failing."

Just like learning to walk, speak, or write—motherhood comes with stumbles and falls. The enemy's lie that imperfection equals failure is not the gospel. God uses broken, struggling, imperfect people throughout Scripture to accomplish His will.

Practical Preparation Tips for New Mamas

The Sticky Note Strategy

Put a list of simple tasks on your fridge: unload dishwasher, do laundry, walk the dog, grab groceries. When visitors ask "What can I do?" point them to the list. This removes the awkwardness of asking for help while ensuring your needs are met.

Building Your Village

  • Join new mom groups (check hospitals, doctor's offices, chiropractors)

  • Look into Postpartum Support International virtual groups

  • Connect with small groups at church

  • Remember: People can't help if they don't know you need it

Letting Go of Control

Ask yourself: "What is mine to do?" In early postpartum, if you're breastfeeding, your job is to feed baby and rest. Someone else can do dishes, make meals, and handle other tasks.

🙏 A Prayer for Your Birth Journey

Lord, I'm bringing my heart to You right now—all the messy, struggling parts of motherhood that feel too heavy to carry alone. Some days I feel like I'm barely keeping it together, and I'm tired of pretending everything is fine when it's not. Help me remember that You see me in those overwhelming moments, when I wonder if I'm failing or if I'm cut out for this. Give me courage to reach out for help when I need it, and remind me that Your love is steady even when my emotions aren't. Show me Your faithfulness in the middle of the hard days, and help me trust that You're holding me through it all. Amen.

📎 Resources & Links Mentioned

📣 Let’s Stay Connected

If this episode encouraged you:

Meet Your Host —

Natalie Portman is a certified birth doula and childbirth educator in Jacksonville, FL. She equips Christian women to experience peaceful, faith-filled births through virtual and in-person support. Having walked through her own postpartum struggles, Natalie is passionate about creating safe spaces where mamas can be real about the hard parts of motherhood while finding hope in Jesus.

About Me | Services

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📄 Full Episode Transcript

Natalie: Hey mama. Welcome back to Faith Over Fear, the Christian Pregnancy and Birth podcast. Today's episode is going to speak directly to the mom who's quietly wrestling with sadness, anxiety, or even just that heavy fog that won't seem to lift. If that's you or someone you love, I want you to know you're not alone, and today's conversation is filled with so much grace and hope.

I'm honored to welcome Crystal Doiron to the podcast. Crystal is a licensed clinical social worker, a wife and a mama to an 18-month-old little boy. She has years of experience working in trauma and recently felt called to shift her focus towards serving women in the perinatal and postpartum seasons. Crystal's here today to help us recognize the signs of perinatal mood disorders, offer practical steps to begin healing, and remind us that loving Jesus doesn't mean you won't struggle and struggling also doesn't make you a bad mom.

I know her story and insights are going to bless you. Crystal, thank you so much for being here today.

Crystal: Hi, Natalie. Thanks so much for having me.

Natalie: Of course. Well, I would love to start with your story. Would you mind telling us about your motherhood journey and also what that postpartum season was like for you?

Crystal: Of course. As I was going through our story and sort of piecing this together to be prepared for today, so much of it still is a fog because it was a fog then. And so as we move through it, that like I think many moms will relate to, it's a little bit clunky and a little bit messy. And you know, that's part of what this feels like. So it's part of what it sounds like. So just full disclosure as we move into it, that it might not be a very neat story.

Natalie: I love that you're even just kind of saying, it's okay if this whole journey seems chaotic and there's no linear flow to it, that it's a lot of ups and downs and ups and downs, because that was certainly my story.

I feel like I can't even think back to that time, like both times my postpartum seasons because it was just so challenging for me that I don't even remember a lot of it, which, you know, in some ways is maybe coping.

Crystal: I think the Lord provides that as a healing thing for us as well. That some of those sharper pieces or the darker pieces, we just sort of get that lovely little haze later. Because I, you know, you've probably heard this before too. If we remembered all of it, we probably would only have one child.

Natalie: That is some facts. Yep.

Crystal: Yeah. But, so to start this I think I need to introduce a little bit about my personality and how that made me maybe more vulnerable to postpartum depression. So I'm a very hyper independent person. If I can take care of my own needs, I will take care of my own needs. I'm a planner. I love structure.

And so when we were pregnant with Henry, which we did experience some infertility before we even became pregnant with him for about two years and we're about to start the process of you know, getting help with that and doing treatments. And right when we were about to start that process the Lord blessed us and we had him really without any assistance, which was so cool.

But we were really motivated to have this natural birth. And so I read book after book and I made not even a birth plan, but a birth binder. I hired a doula and I studied hypnobirthing because I was convinced that that was gonna be the thing that would carry me through this. And in hindsight, now that I'm looking back on it, that was the beginning of me taking this birth in my own hands.

Not giving it to the Lord, I was equipping myself. Because it felt like if I could figure it out, if I could do it the right way, it would be good. And in hindsight, I'm just seeing that desperation to do something that I wasn't called to do, that I could have just given that to the Lord and trusted him.

Natalie: I relate to that so deeply. And not so much with the birth. I can certainly see aspects of that in my story, but in other aspects of my life, like being a mother.

I am very much in that boat. And so I love that vulnerability that you're bringing to this conversation because I think so many of us, especially as believers, you know, Christian women, we can fall into that trap of self-sufficiency and independence, and it very easily morphs and turns into relying only on ourselves.

And just kind of using the Lord as like a lucky charm instead of actually trusting him that he is the reason why we can go through anything in this life. So yeah, I deeply relate to that sentiment. For me, it was in my mothering. And the Lord is working through a lot of that in me.

But thank you for pointing that out because I think that that's a really important distinction. Not just why you're preparing for your birth, which is very, that's very much needed. You know, we do need to prepare our hearts and our minds, but if we're doing it from a place of so that I can handle this, so that I can make this birth happen the way that I want it to.

We're doomed to fail because that's not at all the reality of the situation. You know, we are very much under the Lord's plan, and we need to work on the posture of our heart to really see it that way because the default is so easy to just go, to make it work. Especially if you are that kind of personality type, like I'm definitely that personality type as well.

Crystal: And I think, oh, I'm just so happy on the tail end of it, not in the process. 'Cause the refining process was never comfortable. But I'm so grateful to be on the side of it and see how God was such a good father. To let me fail to let me not succeed in my endeavors, to do it myself so that he could show his care for me.

And it really is such a blessing to see it now. But when I was relying on me, it felt like failure. It felt like inadequacy, and it is inadequacy because I'm trying to do something that I wasn't created to do. Not having birth, but relying on my own strength we're not designed to rely on our own strength like that.

Natalie: Couldn't agree more, and I actually had, I was in therapy after I had Ellie, before we were trying to get pregnant with Daniel because that was the thing that the enemy kept whispering to me, was like, you don't have what it takes. Who do you think you are to be a mom? Who do you think you are?

To think that you should have another one? And those whispers were so dark and I believed them, even if I could logically say like, this is not right. This is not what the father would say about me, but I believed that to my core somehow. And so it is very, it, like the enemy's tactics are nothing new.

They all look a little differently in our season. And kind of like our situation. But he does say the same lies and that feeling of it's all on you, boo. It's up to you to make things happen. If it doesn't happen, that's your fault. And nothing could be further from the truth, especially when you think about something as miraculous as conceiving, growing, birthing, raising another human being, it is completely miraculous. And who do we think we are that we need to have it all figured out? Absolutely not. It's a complete lie when we think that.

Crystal: Yeah, I remember a moment when we went for a scan, I got to see Henry's brain and how it was functioning during the scan. And I got to see the chambers of his heart and how they were pumping while he was still growing inside of me and his spinal cord and all of the vertebrae. And I'm thinking in my head, I'm doing nothing to grow him.

I am eating complete junk, trying to eat healthy, but really doing nothing, having no power from growing. And it took me to Psalms where David is saying, you knit me together in my mother's womb, and I'm looking at this scan and seeing him doing that, and it was such a humbling moment.

So as the pregnancy was progressing, I think that desperation got stronger and stronger. And I remember, you know, we had a birth binder, right? And I didn't want Pitocin and I didn't want an epidural, and I didn't want any formula. We wanted to have a natural birth and to breastfeed. We had the whole thing mapped out and we went in for one of those last, like weekly check-ins and they do a test and my blood pressure was too high and there were a couple other indicators for preeclampsia and they said, guess what, mama, you're having this baby today.

And we didn't even have the bag with us or anything. So we got moved in and I saw the plan I had created, just start crumbling because they were trying to manage both the inducement of labor and also keep the blood pressure low. It ended up turning into four days of prodromal labor, and effort after effort to induce that just were painful and not working.

And ended with getting Pitocin, which I didn't want getting an epidural, which I didn't want. It ended up being a C-section and I remember lying there. After, you know, they were able to get him out and, my husband and I had decided we wanted someone to stay with the baby at all times if possible in the hospital.

So they take Henry to go be weighed and cleaned, and Spencer goes with him, Spencer's my husband. And I remember laying there and just feeling so empty and alone. And I'm sure that moment was only for maybe a minute tops, but it felt like it lasted forever. It was so sterile and so just cold. And I remember thinking.

This isn't how it is in the movies. In the movies, you have your baby and you hold them and you look at them and you cry out of love. And I am in so much pain and he is, he's beautiful. And I remember this sort of messy processing of, oh, it's over. Oh, we did it. Oh, but I didn't really do it. They had to do this operation because I couldn't do it.

And look how beautiful he is and all the kind of competing thoughts and feelings there. And what happened after was even messier because because we had the C-section, we had to stay in the hospital for a little longer, and then his bilirubin levels were high, so we had to stay longer for that.

And this moment makes me, it just makes my heartbreak. I finally was able to get to sleep. My husband's holding our son and one thing that we're gonna cover today is what postpartum can look like for dads because there's not a lot of conversations about that either. And he is holding our son and he's so scared that something's wrong because we've gotten through this whole process of something being wrong.

So he goes to seek just some comfort from a nurse and, this nurse immediately asks him, well, did you drop the baby? And you know, then he gets really kind of defensive and flustered no, of course not. I just wanna make sure he is okay. And then she starts pushing formula because maybe he's not eating enough breast milk because our breast milk hasn't come in and.

He's so scared that he's okay, whatever. We need to take care of him. And while I'm asleep, he makes the decision that we're gonna start formula. And I remember I woke up and I heard this and I felt so betrayed. And we had such a strong bond, our whole relationship, so much that people thought it was like fake sometimes so mushy. You know, but we, I love him so much and I still do, but this was just a moment early in that process where we had that break and that division and he, I think he would do it again and I would want him to, but also it just felt like the last thing we were holding onto that we could have made happen.

And then that was taken away and I felt so low. I just was basically sobbing enough in the bed like. I guess it's over. Like nothing worked and we failed. And that's just how it is. And there were so many wonderful people. You know, there's this one nurse who made it a little bit worse, but there were so many people who tried to make it better.

Family who tried to visit and we didn't really know how to fold them in. And my mom, she's not from Florida where we are, she's in North Carolina, drove eight hours to spend like one morning with us before things got complicated with medical stuff and the lactation specialist who came in who told me that even though we started Formula, we could still breastfeed, it still could work.

And you know, there were so many people who were adding good to it, but I think the heaviness of it all was just so loud. So I'm gonna fast forward a little bit. We had several days, even after we were released for the C-section and the bilirubin where then we had to go back to the children's hospital to do a screening for him.

That ended up being a false positive. He was fine, praise the Lord. And then I had to go back to the hospital for blood pressure concerns. And we were just so defeated.

As I've studied postpartum depression and perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, how your getting medical help afterwards, getting those screenings, getting your lab works done. Getting follow up is really important, but because we had such a terrible experience with hospitals and doctors, I was just avoiding that so intensely.

And so I wasn't seeking care like I should have. So at this point in the story, we're home. And I know I'm not okay physically. I don't know if you've had a c-section, but that weakness you feel just even moving, walking around. And I've never experienced that, so that was very shocking.

My husband, again is carrying his own anxiety and, and trauma response to what happened. And so he's just so devoted to our baby. I remember thinking, there's no room for me not to be okay, so just suck it up, girl. Deal with it. And I kept it quiet and I didn't tell him when I was struggling physically.

We had a whole month together. My husband got a whole month off of work which in hindsight it's oh, four weeks is not, but I know that's a blessing, so I'm grateful for it. But then when he went back, that's when I started to realize that I was not okay emotionally either. But again, that really loud voice, there's just not room to not be okay. Really just sort of entered into what I call like the hamster wheel of just moving and moving and moving. There's things you have to do. You have to take care of baby, get them to sleep, feed him, change his diaper, get 'em to sleep, feed him, change his diaper, read to 'em, help him grow and go through, this lowness and again, that feeling of inadequacy. Because not only was this my thoughts that were inducing this, but now my hormone shifts have led to this and all of the biological responses to having a traumatic birth. So to wrap it up, it ended up being a very long season of some very intense struggles.

I tried to return to work and navigate what that looks like. You know, we didn't want Henry in daycare and so we were trying to sort of do shift work parenting. I would keep him when my husband was at work and then he would keep Henry when I was at work. Then we would split up the nighttime, which again is a huge blessing.

The moms don't have that at all, but we were each other's biggest resources and now we really weren't available to each other because the way we had to make that work in that season. It was very emotionally low. It was very isolating. And I didn't even really notice that it felt so low, it just didn't feel right.

And it wasn't till later that I realized how deep and intense it had gotten and the moment that I really realized something was deeply wrong. I remember I was driving and Henry was in the backseat. And at this point I had, you know, read, okay, it's a good thing to be out in the sunlight. Go for walks, you know, go get 'em out.

And so we were driving home from one of our walks and I started thinking in my mind, well, clearly I'm very bad at this. I'm not meant to be a mom. I thought I was my whole life. Clearly I wasn't meant to be. I'm no good at it. They'll probably be better off without me. And I started legitimately thinking through what it would be like to take my life.

As a mental health professional that scared the mess out of me. I was terrified once I kind of like recognized that it had gotten to that point and that was the wake up call. So I started to look up what help was out there, what could be available. I found a therapist and we started working together and it happened to coincide with some decisions I made that were healthier for us.

So we stopped co-sleeping at about eight months. We stopped breastfeeding at about eight months and getting that autonomy of my body back I think was a big piece. I started taking my vitamins again. I started really prioritizing my health. And my therapist was so great at walking me through that.

It wasn't selfish to take care of myself. It was being a good mom to really prioritize that. And so that was really when things started to shift and change. I started to pray again. I don't know if in that dark season if I actually prayed. I'm sure I did, but I don't think I was truly connecting with the Lord.

And so when I started to see things change, it was like when the sun just starts to come back out or when it starts to, I like to call. As I work with clients now this season of like winter, right? And as winter fades into spring and things slowly start to come back to life, that's what it felt like.

So I was sitting in the car again. I was wanting to hug my husband again. I was wanting to put on pretty clothes again and take care of myself again. We were exiting that season.

Natalie: Thank you so much for sharing that and, and I got so teary eyed. When you shared just the depth of that darkness. I, myself have definitely been there. In the very recent past have been there. And it is a really scary place to be because, you know, it's a lie. Sorry, I'm trying not to get super emotional, but yeah.

You know, it's a lie. But you still, you still fall into that and, and if you're a mom listening to this and you, you have been in that space, or you know, someone you love who's been in that space, seek help. Because it's so easy to be isolated and it's so easy to focus on your kids your spouse, your work, and not prioritize yourself like you mentioned.

And that's the place that I, I had to get to was. Here I am working with women, working with them as somebody who is informing them and loving them and serving them, but I can't even do that to myself. And every time I would do some sort of, you know, self care, go get my nails done or something, the enemy would just be like, you're so selfish.

You know, you're, how, how dare you do that? And I know so many other women have likely experienced that. And so thank you for sharing that because it is a very scary, vulnerable place to be. But I think when we kind of hit those lows, we start to realize something's not right. And again, if this is you, if this has ever been you, or look out for these signs, if you know you haven't experienced this yet, maybe you're still pregnant with your first child and you haven't walked this kind of season yet, be prepared.

That the enemy is going to try to throw this your way, potentially at some point and say, no we're not doing this. We're not messing around with this. And so I definitely have been taking very active steps to move away from that because it is it's something that requires a lot of attention and intentionality.

To get out of that season. And, I can only speak, personally as somebody who has walked through that, but as a professional, if there is a mom listening to this or she knows somebody she loves a friend or a sister or somebody she knows that is walking through perinatal mood, disorders and, and depression and all the things.

What would you say to that Mama Crystal? That that would be practical steps for her to come out of that season?

Crystal: Oh my goodness. Well, first, Natalie, thank you for sharing your story. I wanna highlight too that you're creating this space to provide resources, right? And you are equipped just because the Lord has called you to it. So thank you for sharing that. I wanna really honor that. So yeah, so for a mom who is recognizing oh, maybe I'm there, or maybe I know someone who's there, I would just let them know that there's so much strength and vulnerability that no one is expecting you to do this perfectly, and no one is expecting you to do this with complete excellence, without failing.

Anything we do for the first time, we're going to struggle at when we learn to walk. We stumble and fall, when we learn to speak, when we learn to write, when we learn to do anything in our entire lives, there's a margin of error and lots and lots and lots of failure, and I think it is a lie from the enemy that if you are not perfect.

If you can't make it all go according to plan, then clearly you are just not called for this. You should just give up. And that is not at all the gospel. We see the Lord over and over and over again use imperfect people, right? There's not a perfect person in the Bible except for Jesus.

And I think it's so beautiful because we see him use broken people. We see him use sinful people. We see him use struggling people and sometimes awful people to do the will of God, and he would not have given you this child if he didn't plan for you to specifically nurture that child into who he has designed them to be.

So if you are in a season of struggling, if you know someone who's in a season of struggling, just provide that comfort that it is strong to admit that there's a gap there. And the Lord fills that, and other people can fill that. People cannot help you if they don't know you have a need. And when you're able to be vulnerable and share that space, I can't make all of these meals and people can bring some, I can't keep my head above water right now, and people can provide encouragement.

Maybe they come over and provide some things. I've noticed people are really scared of like imposing themselves and over overstepping or intruding. So sometimes it takes that vulnerability to get the support that you need. So yeah, that was a lot of words to basically say if you're at that season, good, now we can open up some change.

Now we can get some support and help this feel better.

Natalie: That's such great advice, and that was a big piece for me as I've been walking through this was just like reaching out to somebody and just instead of hearing the very loud, negative self-talk. If you're familiar with the Enneagram, I'm type one, I'm the perfectionist. And so we call it the inner critic.

And so my inner critic can be very, very harsh with me, but this, you know, dealing with the depression that I've been in was, you know, definitely like the enemy as well, like just dark, horrible voices. But I would, just go, okay, who can I talk to that will speak life into me? And I would call my sisters.

I would call my mom. I would call a friend, and I would just lay it all out there and, and just a simple phone call of this is where I'm at. And they would speak life into me and they would always offer to pray for me. So something even as simple as that can make such a powerful connection to just remind yourself of the truth of the gospel that yes, you are inadequate.

I love when you said that it, it's not that the enemy is like telling you a straight up lie. He's always going to veil it in some kind of half truth. And the truth is, you are in and of yourself not equipped to do all of the things, but the Lord has not called you to do. All of the things he has called you to faithfully be a mama who loves Jesus, who is helping your little babies also love Jesus.

And you cannot expect yourself to do everything all the time. Perfectly. And that's where I get hung up, is when I feel like I haven't done something perfectly that I'm like, screw it. Like we're just gonna throw out the whole thing. I just wanna be done with it. 'cause it didn't do it. Right.

You know? And, and so that's where it, you have to just have those kind of go-to people. In your life that will help remind you. And if it's not an actual therapist, just have your friend, have some sort of network that you know you can reach out to. Because it is, it goes a long way to just remind yourself of what is true when you're, all you hear is a lie.

Crystal: Yeah, I had a coworker at the time, her name is Stephanie, and she is so bold in her support. And so what I mean by that is I, at work, my go-to line was, oh, things are great. Henry's growing things are great. And she could just see right through that. And she's a very no-nonsense kind of girl. And so she could even recognize when I wasn't taking my vitamins.

She said, Hmm, you're not taking your prenatals anymore, are you? And I said, how can you tell? How do you know? And she said, oh, well, you're looking a little gray and you know, I can, I, she just was so observant and so bold in her love and support and. That kind of broke through that illusion I was trying to create that it was okay and I was okay and, you know, nobody needed to worry 'cause I didn't wanna put that on anybody.

And she just slammed right through that. And I just am so grateful as I look back on that, that she was able to break through what, for me, felt protective, but actually was harming me, keeping people out. Keeping people in the dark. So I'm so grateful. And if you don't have a Stephanie, be one.

Right. Be the person who's so observant and so love filled that the niceties and posture of, okay, well that's great. And if you need anything, let me know. Show up, bring the meals, and if you overstepped. That's one thing that's, you know, but I would much rather overstep than miss someone's need and have them suffer.

So that totally shifted my perspective for how to support other people because I am not that bold. But now I have sort of become that way because of what I experienced through her.

Natalie: Yeah, the number of times where I've had a friend who had a child after me who would say something to the effect of. If I had known you were going through this, I would have done this, that and the other, but I had no idea. But I also keep my pain and my suffering to myself because I don't wanna be a burden to anybody else.

Or it's also me just trying to like. Stuff it deep down, like I don't even wanna deal with these feelings of inadequacy constantly. The sadness I feel, the grief I'm feeling that I'm not the mom that I was hoping I would be or I haven't, I, I'm just not who I thought I would be at this point or something like that.

But I mean, for the mom who's listening, who, like we've been talking about, hasn't walked through this before, like this is her first pregnancy, what would you say to her to prepare herself for what's ahead? Because I, I think it's normal and natural to expect some form of this. This, okay, here's my expectation and here's the reality, and there's a gap there.

I think all of us, whether it's the pregnancy. You know, if it's not a smooth pregnancy, the birth, the postpartum time, the toddler phase, I mean, at some point you're gonna, there, you're gonna realize there's a gap from the expectation and what actually happens. So how can, I mean, I guess this would be for anybody, but especially for first time going through this whole season, what would you say to that mama, to just prepare herself for what's ahead? Practical ways that she can prepare.

Crystal: Sure. So first thing I wanna say, that it's not a guarantee that your season is gonna be this rough, right? Some people have difficult pregnancies, some people have beautiful pregnancies. Some people have difficult and traumatic births, and some people have beautiful, easy, uncomplicated births. Some people have really dark and heavy postpartum periods, and some people have a blissful postpartum bubble.

So please, if you're listening to this, don't become anxious that this will happen to you. Just prepare in case it does get support so that it doesn't move in that direction. And if it does, move in that direction. Know that there's nothing wrong with you. That this has a biological source, it has a spiritual source and that there's help that suffering is not failure.

I, in preparation for this actually was looking at some support options and there's five medical indicators that can be really good to keep an eye on. That can provide some context for if this will develop or how intense it will become. So one is anemia. So if you're noticing that you feel really off post-birth, ask your doctor to order labs.

First off, go to your doctor. Like that six week appointment is necessary, but that's not the last one that you can have. Go. If you don't feel well, if you don't feel right, keep going. Ask them to follow up on this. They may not pursue it on their side, but you should pursue it on your side. So with anemia, there's lots of labs that they can do and run to make sure that you are not iron deficient to make sure that you have the level that you need in your body post birth.

You're gonna lose a lot of blood and that can in and of itself lead to, as your body's not well, your, mind will process that through anxiety and depression. That's a really good thing to follow up on and, and get some support for also thyroid problems. That can be a big indicator as your thyroid adjusts, especially if you're breastfeeding.

It's a really beneficial thing to get that checked out, to make sure that your levels are where we want them to be. Blood sugar regulation. So again, especially if you're breastfeeding. Your nutrition is so important. It's so important. And you need vitamins and this is not medical advice.

Obviously talk to your doctor. I'm sure they will say the same thing. But yeah, we need support. You are not only just feeding your own body, which is in recovery. But you are feeding a child and you are spending so much more energy. So please don't prioritize weight loss in that season. Prioritize nutrition, prioritize taking care of yourself.

You'll have the time later on in life to get your body back to what you want it to look like in this season. Just nourish yourself. Make sure you're eating enough. Make sure you're eating the right things. Because nutrition does play such an important role in mental health. And so that's another just medical piece of, of what we want our bodies to respond to.

Natalie Portman: Before you continue on. 'cause I definitely wanna hear what else you have to say Sarah Salain, I interviewed her a couple weeks ago and she helps women heal from infertility and PCOS, and endometriosis and all these things. But she helps women by understanding their cycle, which obviously when you're postpartum you don't have your cycle quite yet, especially if you're breastfeeding. But as you start to wean or if you decide not to breastfeed and your cycle starts coming back it is very helpful because that's your fifth vital sign, your cycle, and it teaches you so much about your hormonal balance, and just all these other things that are happening in your body, which obviously is very much tied to also your mental health.

But she recommends a book, it's called In the Flo by Alyssa Viti. And I'll put that in the show notes too. But for those who are either trying to get pregnant or already have a cycle that's starting to return. Definitely check out that book. There's some like new age stuff in there that I definitely don't agree with, but for the most part, the just foundational biological knowledge is so incredibly insightful.

Crystal: That sounds like such a resource. Yeah, no, thank you for sharing that. Okay, so the fourth one on your list was lack of sleep. And there are obviously when you have your baby, there will be lack of sleep. And this, what I'm about to share is a little bit, you know, the chicken or the egg complex. Depression, postpartum depression, and postpartum anxiety can lead to a lack of sleep because your body just cannot rest. You cannot release all of the thoughts that are ruminating, all of the worries about the future. Maybe it feels unsafe to sleep, like you need to watch your baby 24/7. I experience that. So that lack of sleep can be caused by these experiences, but also then they induce them a extended lack of sleep leads to neurological changes and how we process serotonin. And if you're recognizing that you are far below your sleep goals for a long period of time, it is okay to see if we can do something to change that. I was blessed my husband split the night period with me. But if you don't have that if your life circumstances don't allow for something like that, just put the need out there and watch what the Lord does with it. It could be that someone in your life who you didn't expect is willing to step up and watch the baby while you take a nap. It could be that maybe some finances become available and you can hire a postpartum doula who helps you maybe get some sleep.

There's so many things that can be solutions to this and I can't give you those solutions because I don't know your life. But I can say that the Lord always provides options if we bring that need. If you're recognizing an extended lack of sleep, we can do something about that. And then finally, lack of support.

That's such an important piece of what I see in our story. Not because people weren't willing. You know, my family lives far away, but Spencer's family is, is nearby. And they did offer support, but we didn't know how to accept that 'cause we hadn't had any history of really asking for help or accepting help.

And so I think we kept lots of people at arms length and tried to convince them, no, it's fine. And so finding ways that you can gradually receive support. I'm not expecting you guys, you know, as a therapist to just dive right in and say, help me. I'm struggling. That's so scary for a person who tries to you know, achieve and be good enough and, and keep a standard that's so hard to let that out there.

And with anything that's difficult, but we know it's worthwhile. We can do a gradual exposure and so doing a tiny bit of release and checking it and a tiny bit more of release and checking it. Learning that it is okay to engage this. The Lord did not create us to operate in vacuums. He didn't create us to be outside of community.

So I don't think that that desire comes from a holy place to be hyper independent and to not need others. So challenge that if you can.

Natalie: I love that advice and a practical way that you can even just think about this for the postpartum time is have a little sticky note that you put on your fridge with like simple to do. Unload the dishwasher, do a load of clothes, walk the dog grab some groceries, like whatever, staples. Make a little list.

And when somebody comes to your home. That offers, what can I do for you? Say there's a sticky note on the fridge and it has a couple things on there, if you wouldn't mind taking care of anything that you're comfortable doing. And also that helps kind of gauge the people you're bringing into your home, especially if you're trying to nurse.

And your boobs are out all the time. You're constantly nursing that baby, like it's a full-time job and then some, and especially in those first couple weeks and months. So if you're not comfortable inviting someone into your home to see your boobs and you're comfortable asking to do one of those things on the list, then don't invite that person into your home yet.

That can be for later down the road, but in that immediate postpartum time where you are so vulnerable, only invite the people that you are comfortable sharing that version of yourself, that you know will love you, and it's their joy.

To do X, Y, Z from your little, to-do list because they wanna love you and serve you. And if you don't have that and you are pregnant, start building up that community. And that can just be like a, couple girlfriends of yours, like even if they've not had kids, just a couple people that you can invite into that time.

And we ended up not even doing this. I shared this in my story with my son, where even though I had another kid and all the things, and I'm a doula, like I should, I should know how to take care of myself postpartum. And I absolutely did not.

I did not prioritize myself whatsoever, and we really, really struggled and do what I say, not what I do. But, but that's, that's just a little tip there of one way that you could possibly invite that community and just that practical help without you having to go above and beyond out of your way to ask for help.

Because people who come to your home. When you're newly postpartum are likely gonna ask what can I do to help? And you can just simply say that instead of having to just come up with something random on the fly or it feels like super awkward to ask that, you know.

Crystal: I love that, Natalie. I love that idea so much. Sometimes that first step is the hardest, right? So coming up with that answer and, and that moment having all the competing thoughts and emotions of. Where do I even start with the list of things to do and what's appropriate to ask for and will they even want to, and what will they think of me?

All of that gets put aside with, there's a few sticky notes on the fridge you can pick if none of those work for you, let me know what you're willing to do. Gosh, that's such beautiful advice. I love that.

Natalie: Well, and the other part, because like I said, I'm so perfectionistic. Like for example, if I had put on. There, someone just load the dishwasher. I normally would be hyper-focused on how someone loaded the dishwasher and you can't even go there when you're postpartum. Don't even care how they loaded up the dishwasher.

If they literally just throw it in there, slam the door and start it that's fine. Just. You have to learn to let some things go. And something that I've been working through by learning the Enneagram, Suzanne Stabile, shares this phrase, “what is mine to do?”

What is my thing to do and what is your thing to do and what is her thing to do? But I need to ask myself constantly. What is mine to do? So that postpartum time, if you're breastfeeding yours to do, is to breastfeed that baby and try to sleep and someone else can put the baby to sleep and someone else can make you a meal.

And your job is to just eat the meal. You know, your job to do is, very limited and you can get help with a lot of the rest of it. If you are willing to invite people into that area of need. If we have another baby, I for sure am lining up a postpartum doula and or babysitters to come help with the older kids.

I am going to ask for so much more help next time because it's so needed. And I definitely fell into the trap of oh, I've got this. I know what to expect and blah, blah, blah. Uhuh, it was beyond a struggle for us, and we really, it could have been prevented, and not to say like it's your fault if you fall into that, but it's just that level of we could have definitely saved ourselves a lot of pain if we had done a little bit more preparation to think through what our needs might be at that time.

Crystal: Absolutely. And for some new mamas who maybe they're recognizing, I don't have close friendships, I don't even know how in the world we're living in to create those friendships. How do you meet people? There are new mom groups almost everywhere. So again,

putting that need out there and allowing people to point you in the right direction. There's a directory called Postpartum Support International, and they have support groups offered virtually on pretty much any topic you could think of. There's mom groups at the hospital that you deliver at. There can be mom groups at chiropractor's office and doctor's offices.

So I would just encourage you, seek them, right? The Lord says if you, ask, I will answer. Right? If you, if you bring it to him, he's a good father. He will bring you resources, but sometimes we just have to be humble enough to say, God, I need your help with it. Help me fill that gap. And he will. He really will.

Natalie: Yeah. And I'll put in the show notes some of the postpartum international resources and some even of the mom groups and things that I know of here locally in Jacksonville, Florida. But you're right. You know, if you don't already have that built in community, another community is in your church.

The Church of Eleven22 I know Crystal, you go there as well. We have disciple groups and so like our disciple group would also be a group of people that have been in my shoes and the not so recent past that I would feel, you know, so loved by their support.

So if you're in a church and you don't already have a small, just group within your church of people that you can turn to also look into that. But I love that you're suggesting specific mom groups because there is just something so special to be walking through that journey right here and now that you're walking through, they're also sleep deprived, like you and are, you know, changing diapers in the middle of the night.

So I love that. Well, Crystal, if somebody wants to connect with you to maybe even work with you and do counseling or to bounce some questions off of you, where can they get ahold of you and connect with you?

Crystal: Absolutely. So I work for a practice in Jacksonville, Florida called Seven Oaks Therapy. And my email is a perfect way to get in touch with me. Natalie can include that in the show notes, but it's Crystal@sevenoakstherapy.com. And I love getting questions. I love working through this.

This is such a passion for me because as the Lord has brought me out of it, I want to equip and resource as many people as I can to, see this be a beautiful thing. How the Lord can take you know, the dirt and make it humanity. How the Lord can take nothingness and create.

And so he can take these dark seasons and just make them so worthwhile. So please note even if you've been going through postpartum depression or anxiety, or even if the season was not what you hoped it would be, there's still beauty in that. And take that to the Lord. Take that brokenness, take that discouragement, take that hopelessness and bring it to him.

And I promise you just watch what he does with it. If you fully surrender, if you ask him to fill that space. Girl, he will, I promise you he will. And I got to see it firsthand in my life over and over and over again. I've gotten to see the moms that I've worked with come out of this over and over and over again.

One of my favorite things that one of my clients has said to me is, in the darkness of it, in that postpartum period it felt like I died and I'm supposed to take care of another living human being. And we got to really honor that feeling and process through that. But then, on the tail end, she shared another quote.

She gave me permission to share both that it felt like I've taken my first real breath of air again. And we can't do that to ourselves. We can't bring ourselves from death back to life. Only God can, that's what he does. Please bring it to him. Get therapy, get support. You know, I've heard this, that there are so many cogs in the machine that affect whether or not you'll have this season or how intense it will be, or how long it will last. And I would just encourage you to, do what you can for the things you can control. Make sure you're getting your nutrition, make sure you're meeting your own biological needs.

Seek help for your mental health needs without shame and embarrassment, and for all the things you can't control. We're just gonna honor that that might not, not even be our space, that that might be a spot that's uniquely designed for the Lord to show up so you can see his love for you.

Natalie: Yes, absolutely. And then I, in the interview process, I have you fill out a form and I loved the verse that you shared, so I'm gonna read that this is from Lamentations 3:22 through 23. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness.

Can you share a little bit before we leave why that has just been especially meaningful to you?

Crystal: Oh my goodness. Yes. You know, sometimes we read the Bible just for understanding, and I think a much more beautiful way is to read the Bible for connection. And I remember as I was going through the season and it was so dark and it was up, you know, that tail end, the spring has just started.

I'm starting to feel a little bit like myself again, and I came across that verse and it was like the Lord was telling me so personally to my heart, I'm with you. I'm not going anywhere. I saw it all. I was with you during it, and I will be with you in every step moving forward, good or bad. I see you. I'm here with you.

I will never leave you.

Natalie: Yes. Amen. And it's so true because I think we think it's up to us to hold onto the Lord. Like we need to be the one that's clinging to him or else he's just gonna leave us. But it's absolutely the opposite. He is the one that is holding onto us when we are prone to wander. And so I love that.

Crystal, this has been an absolute pleasure. I am so thankful of just the way the Lord has walked you through your journey. Unfortunately, it was a lot of pain, but I know that all of this pain has been for your good and his glory and just praying that it blesses so, so many other mamas. Thank you so much again.

Crystal: Yeah. Thank you so much for having me, Natalie. Thank you.

Natalie: Of course.

Natalie Portman
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