Back Labor, Big Baby, and Believing A Good God: Caroline's Birth Stories

Written By Natalie Portman

Hey mama! Today's episode is especially close to my heart because I had the privilege of walking alongside Caroline through both of her incredibly different birth journeys. As a nurse who's cared for critically ill postpartum patients, Caroline brings such a unique perspective to understanding birth - both the medical realities and the spiritual journey of trusting God when everything seems to be working against you. Her story reminds us that even when birth doesn't go according to our plans, God's goodness remains constant through every contraction, every push, and every postpartum tear.

🎧 Listen to the Episode

Caroline's Journey: From Foster Care Dreams to Biological Motherhood

Caroline's story begins in an unexpected place - not trying to conceive, but opening their home as foster parents. She and her husband Dan felt called to parent in some capacity and started as respite parents, caring for foster children on weekends. Then, to their surprise, God had different plans.

"We felt called into foster parenting and then we were pregnant," Caroline shares. "So we were trying to navigate that. But very quickly, obviously very excited to be pregnant and by God's grace able to conceive quicker than expected."

This pivot from their original plan would become a recurring theme in Caroline's motherhood journey - learning to hold plans loosely while trusting God's sovereignty completely.

The Importance of Faith-Based Birth Support

As a nurse, Caroline knew perhaps too much about what could go wrong in birth. She'd cared for critically ill postpartum patients in the ICU and carried anxiety about the "what-ifs." That's when a friend recommended something that would change everything: hiring a Christian doula.

"I wanted to have that encouragement - not just in 'oh, you got this,' but encouragement of truth from the Lord through scriptures and another Christian sister to encourage me through a big momentous part in my life."

Having someone who could speak biblical truth during labor's most intense moments became invaluable, especially when her first birth took unexpected turns.

Abigail's Birth: When Everything Works Against You

Caroline had done everything "right" to prepare for an unmedicated birth with her first baby, Abigail. She exercised throughout pregnancy, ate well, and felt physically ready. She even admits her motivation might have been a bit prideful - wanting that "medal" of natural birth to prove her strength.

But God had different lessons in store.

The Reality of Back Labor

Starting at 40 weeks and 3 days, Caroline's labor began while getting Publix subs on a Monday night (because of course it did - babies have timing!). But this wasn't the labor she'd prepared for. Instead of the wave-like contractions she expected, she experienced excruciating back pain that never let up.

"It was this constant back ache that quite literally felt like a knife in my lower back," she remembers. "It got more and more progressively intense with each contraction."

By 2 AM, she was on all fours on her couch - the only position that brought any relief. The car ride to the hospital on Jacksonville's perpetually under-construction roads? Pure agony when you can't even sit down.

When Plans Change

Despite her strong desire for an unmedicated birth, the relentless back labor became unbearable. The TENS unit on its highest setting? She felt nothing. Caroline found herself begging for an epidural - a complete 180 from her birth plan.

Later, she'd learn why labor was so intense: Abigail was sunny-side up (posterior), with her spine against Caroline's spine, AND had her hand up by her face (compound presentation). Add in Abigail's hefty 9-pound size, and Caroline was facing nearly every challenge possible.

The Marathon Push

After finally getting relief from the epidural and some much-needed sleep, Caroline woke up fully dilated and ready to push. "It should be very quick by now," she thought.

Four to five hours later, she finally met her daughter.

"We just cried and sobbed when she was finally born because we were just like, 'Thank you, Jesus. Like finally, she's here,'" Caroline recalls.

The Postpartum Plot Twist

Caroline's breastfeeding journey with Abigail started beautifully, but daycare brought constant illness for the whole family. Then, at nine months postpartum, her milk supply suddenly vanished. A friend suggested taking a pregnancy test, and to Caroline's shock - it was positive.

"I felt like a failure for not being able to support her and the baby growing in me," she admits. But this unexpected turn taught her about grieving our plans while still praising God for His.

Noah's Birth: A Complete 180

With baby number two, Caroline approached birth differently. She still prepared physically but focused more on spiritual surrender.

"I tried to just submit different plans and preparations I had... Instead of sitting in that fear, I tried to just submit it to the Lord, lay it again at His feet."

When Labor Looks Different

At exactly 39 weeks, after a day of birth ball exercises and another Chili's dinner (that pulled pork quesadilla must have powers!), Caroline noticed consistent contractions. But this time, she could actually rest between them. No knife-in-the-back sensation. No inability to sit.

Her priorities? Vacuum the house, of course! Because nesting instincts don't care about contractions.

The Power of Position and Presence

This time, with proper positioning help and worship music playing, Caroline achieved the unmedicated birth she'd originally hoped for. But here's the beautiful part - she wasn't gripping tightly to that goal anymore.

"I think holding more loosely to that plan just helped me enjoy that process more."

After just four hours of labor, Noah arrived so quickly that she and Dan just stared at each other in shock. No tears of relief after marathon pushing - just amazement at how different birth could be.

The Unexpected Darkness of Postpartum

Caroline describes her postpartum experience with Noah as "walking through darkness... just trying to trust in the Lord for your next step."

Six months postpartum, with two under two, she faced not only the typical challenges but also profound grief when a close friend passed away. Postpartum anxiety collided with loss in ways she never anticipated.

📖 Scripture to Anchor Your Heart

📖 "This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." - Psalm 119:50 (ESV)

This verse became Caroline's anchor during the darkest valleys of postpartum life. When anxiety swirled and grief felt overwhelming, God's promises remained her source of life and hope.

Finding God as Shepherd in Every Season

Through two completely different births and postpartum experiences, Caroline discovered the most profound truth: God is our shepherd in both the green pastures and the valley of the shadow of death.

"The Lord was teaching me how He's my shepherd and really just walking with Him in many unknowns," Caroline reflects. Even in grief, even in anxiety, even when nothing goes according to plan - He remains constant.

🙏 A Prayer for Your Birth Journey

Lord, I lift up every mama reading Caroline's story who feels like she's walking through darkness. Whether it's a birth that didn't go as planned, postpartum anxiety that feels overwhelming, or grief that seems unbearable - remind her that You are her shepherd. You don't leave us in our valleys. You walk with us, holding our hand through each uncertain step. Help us hold our plans loosely while clinging tightly to Your unchanging character. When we can't see the way forward, be our light. When we can't feel anything but pain, be our comfort. Remind us that this isn't the end of the story - that joy comes in the morning and that You work all things for our good and Your glory.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

📎Resources & Links Mentioned

✨ Christian Mama Birth Prep Library - Free birth prep tools, worship playlists & more

✝️ Online Christian Childbirth Education - Explore my complete birth preparation self-paced course

💛 Work with Me 1:1 - Personalized pregnancy and birth support that integrates faith and evidence-based care, including virtual coaching, doula support, and comprehensive childbirth education

📞 Free 15-Minute Discovery Call: Schedule your no-obligation consultation with me today! I would LOVE to connect with you.

📣 Let’s Stay Connected

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Meet Your Host —

Natalie is a certified birth doula and childbirth educator in Jacksonville, FL. She's trained through DONA International, certified as a Body Ready Method Pro, and an advanced VBAC doula. Through Faith Over Fear Birth, she equips Christian women to experience peaceful, faith-filled births through both virtual and in-person support.

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📄 Full Episode Transcript

Natalie: Today, I am so excited to welcome Caroline to the Faith Over Fear Podcast. Caroline is a nurse who brings such a unique perspective to our conversation. She's cared for mothers experiencing critical birth complications in the hospital, and now she's navigating her own journey as a mama of two under two. She's here to share openly about her drastically different birth experiences, her journey with postpartum anxiety, and how God has been teaching her to trust Him through both the green pastures and the dark valleys of motherhood. Caroline, welcome to the podcast.

Caroline: Thank you for having me.

Natalie: I am so happy you're here. I was your doula for both birth experiences, but let's start with your first birth experience ever. This is Abigail's birth. What was it like initially even becoming pregnant that first time?

Caroline: By God's grace, we were able to conceive pretty quickly. We had an interesting journey with that, starting out being foster parents. We just felt a call to dive into being a parent of some kind. We started as respite parents and had some different kiddos in our home. As background, that's basically like babysitting for foster parents - helping families by watching their kids for a weekend or whatever comes up.

We were helping some families in that way and then, to our surprise, got pregnant. We felt called into foster parenting and then we were pregnant, so we were trying to navigate that. But very quickly, obviously very excited to be pregnant and by God's grace able to conceive quicker than expected. We stepped away from foster parenting and realized, okay God, You're placing us to be biological parents. And you know, I don't know what comes in this season. We don't have any other children, but we're trusting You that whatever You want from us, we just want to walk in what You want for us.

One of my close friends had children and she told me that a doula is super important. Being a nurse myself, I feel like I am slightly educated, but in more of a negative sense. Almost like I knew too much about the negative parts of birth or pregnancy. I think I had some more negative thoughts regarding that, which led to some further anxiety.

I reached out to one of my friends. She talked about having a doula and very quickly I grew to have an amazing relationship with you, Natalie, and really felt that trust. I really saw the importance of having a Christian doula and how important that was for me. I wanted to have that encouragement - not just in "oh, you got this," but encouragement of truth from the Lord through scriptures and another Christian sister to encourage me through a big momentous part in my life.

We were very excited for that. I wanted to do all the things I could to prepare for birth, and I had a vision for natural, unmedicated birth. Obviously it was my first kid, so I had no idea what to expect, but I really wanted to - probably for selfish reasons - just to say I did this. I'm a physically active person. I felt like I wanted almost like a medal to myself. Not for anyone else, but just to myself of like, "Oh, I did this by my own strength" in a way, even though it's totally not. But if I'm honest, I feel like that's kind of what it was.

I really tried to focus on accommodating my workouts to pregnancy and making sure that I was able to prepare my body right, do what I could to just be healthy. I think I had seen so many things as a nurse. I wasn't an OB nurse, but we took care of some critically postpartum patients in the ICU. So I had seen some negative things, like it's important to take care of your health as best as we can.

I was really focusing on workouts and eating healthy, and I felt good from that. Honestly, I didn't have a lot of pregnancy symptoms that were overwhelming. I felt like exercise was my friend through pregnancy to help my body feel good. I had family that had dealt with miscarriage in the past, which influenced my anxiety related to pregnancy. I think just listening to the lies of the enemy of like, "This is gonna be your story too. It's inevitable," you know, listening to the what-ifs of that. By God's grace, Abigail had a healthy pregnancy and birth.

As we were leading up to the birth - I'm trying to remember Abigail's because it was a bit ago...

Natalie: Yeah, let's dive into that birth experience. It sounds like you had done all of the preparation in all the different ways. So let's get into what that first birth experience was like with Abigail.

Caroline: I was three days past my due date, so I was 40 and 3. I felt like I was very much like, "Oh, she's gonna come on her due date," as every first-time mom is expectant of. But you know, it's an estimate, and I really appreciated having a doula so that I wouldn't be discouraged going past my due date and understanding how it's more of an estimate. Just all the different things leading up to laboring and how laboring is usually longer in that first-time experience. Just kind of knowing these things and having a doula alongside me was priceless. It was amazing.

I remember we were walking through Publix. It was a Monday night, getting Publix subs for dinner. I remember having more intense cramping. I was like, "Okay, maybe this is something." I remember texting you, talking through counting the contractions. I had a little contraction timer app, but they didn't seem to follow much of a pattern. It was kind of all over the place. I was like, "Okay, this could be a long time."

So we were at Publix walking around, and my husband Dan actually has a funny picture of me looking very serious. I'm in pajamas, and we're checking out. I was having a contraction. It was the start of early labor. We went home and I just wasn't very hungry, trying to get some rest at home.

I remember we were hanging out on the couch and I had this constant nagging back pain. It didn't feel like cramps in the front. It was just like a constant ache right at my lower back, and it would get more intense through the contractions as I know them now. I knew through doula support that it's best to rest in this early period and relax. I tried to get sleep and it wasn't going away. It started around 8:00 PM and closer to midnight I was like, "This back pain is just nagging. Like if this is early labor, this is very annoying and it hurts."

As the contractions would become more timely around this time, it kind of started to have more of a pattern. So I went in the shower to relax. I'm one of those people - if you take a shower, I can feel relaxed and comfy. So I was like, "Okay, maybe then I'll be able to fall asleep." I was relaxing in the shower and it just got more intense. It persisted where I couldn't even sit down. It was this constant back ache that quite literally felt like a knife in my lower back. It got more and more progressively intense with each contraction.

I was like, "Okay, this is probably something, but I don't know how long this is gonna last. This is very painful." I remember it was probably around 2:00 AM. I was on all fours on my couch. I remember waking my husband Dan up and being like, "Hey, I think this is progressing into something, so I'm gonna call Natalie."

I remember calling you and having that calm assurance of, "Okay, this is the next step. We'll get through every next step of the process." I just felt very calm in that time, even though I was trying to breathe through the contractions, and the breath work really helped through that pain. But constantly on all fours was my only comfortable position.

I remember talking to you on the phone, and I think you could hear me breathing through a contraction, and you were like, "Okay, I think I know where we're at in this time." After some time, we all decided to go to the hospital. We got in the car and went towards the hospital.

The road we were taking has been under construction - and still under construction - and I've had two children, but...

Natalie: That's Jacksonville for you.

Caroline: Yeah, that road. You know, a bumpy road under construction. I could barely sit down from the back pain - back labor as I now know what it is. I thought that was labor and I was like, "I know this is supposed to be hard, but man, this is hard."

When I got there, I felt like I was in some haze. We checked in, they checked me. I remember I could only be on my hands and knees, and they want you to lay on your back so they can put all the things around you. I remember being like, "I can't." The contractions were just so constant on my back. It felt like I was sitting on a knife in my low back. Hands and knees was definitely a lot more comfortable.

I really wanted to do the labor tub and be in the water because during early labor, water's always been more of a relaxing experience. I remember ahead of time, thankfully having a doula, talking through my desires for what I would want. But in those moments, the pain was unbearable. I remember basically begging for an epidural because the pain was so intense and I felt like I couldn't have any relief.

We tried different alternative methods like a TENS unit, and I remember being like, "I literally feel nothing." And you're like, "It's on the highest setting," and the pain just felt like it wouldn't touch it. Honestly, the TENS unit for me - I remember begging for an epidural just because it was so unbearable. Later to find out that it was back labor and she was sitting right on my spine the entire labor.

I'm grateful for doula support in that, for you to remind me of that truth of like, we can only prepare so much for birth. There's so many unknowns, but the Lord knows what's gonna happen, and we can trust in His plan for our birth.

I had an interesting experience with the epidural. I felt relief from the epidural on one side. Eventually, I had full numbness and was able to finally take a nap. It had been, I don't even know how many hours, until I was able to sleep because I hadn't slept prior in early labor. I couldn't rest at all.

After having the epidural and it doing its job, I was able to rest, take a nap, and I woke up. I believe my water broke and I was fully dilated. In my mind I'm like, "Okay, it's go time. It should be very quick by now." Looking back, it was like four hours of pushing and then finally met our little girl - the most joyous moment. The pushing stage was a long time. She was face up, sunny side up, and her hand - I don't know the terms for that.

Natalie: Compound presentation. So she was working against you in all the ways. Not only was she turned the wrong way where her spine was closer to your spine - sunny side up, or posterior, or however you want to say that - and then had her hand up next to her, which just increases the surface area more.

And I love that you were like, "And we met our little girl," and I'm like, "Caroline, you need to give yourself some more grace." She was a big girl. And so you just had it all kind of working against you in that pushing phase. Wasn't it close to five hours of pushing?

Caroline: I think so. I think they said if it had gone on longer, they probably would've stopped and thought about a C-section.

Natalie: I think you were progressing. And I think that's the only way that providers will allow you to get to that four hour plus mark is if you're progressing. It's the mamas that are pushing for all that time and there's no change in baby's movement, like they're not actually coming down. So yeah, it certainly was a long pushing phase, especially for a first-time mom. You had everything working against you, and yet the Lord was still just continuing to provide you with just a supernatural strength at that point to be able to continue a vaginal delivery after everything that had happened.

Caroline: For sure. Yeah, she was a big girl. She was nine pounds when she was born. It was an amazing, joyous time for us.

Natalie: Yeah. And the joy of being able to hold her immediately after such a long pushing phase like that - it is so worth it. Can you share more about what it was like in the postpartum time with Abigail? Obviously being able to enjoy her immediately postpartum and then going into that first year.

Caroline: The initial holding her - it's the most joy, the most tangible way I feel a mom can feel. Just the love of a child, how we're able to experience things like that in this life and how we can feel God's love in that. Walking in that and just being a mom and how much we love our children, but how much the Lord loves us infinitely more.

Postpartum with Abigail, I had a successful breastfeeding journey with her, and I'm grateful I was able to do that. But then we had a lot of trials of her being sick in different ways through daycare. We were getting sick and it felt like this constant cycle of sickness, and that was hard. But it was just a very challenging year in that way, but it was the most joyous time connecting with Dan, our new daughter Abigail, and learning the newness of parenting and working as a team in our marriage.

Honestly, it felt like a lot of it came so natural for us. Praise God that I have the husband I have. He is the most supportive, loving, caring husband, and he seeks to serve in every avenue. He is just the most servant-minded man, honestly. A lot of that came so easily. It felt like the breastfeeding and parenting - it was just so joyous.

And then she was about nine months old. All of a sudden my supply started disappearing. I was very worried and anxious about "How am I gonna feed my baby?" Then I had a friend be like, "Are you pregnant?" And I was like, "What? I don't think so." And then she's like, "You should probably take a test." So I took a pregnancy test and it was very positive. I was shocked to be pregnant again and busy with a nine month old. It was so sweet, and we were immediately overjoyed for more children and just grateful that the Lord would bless us with more children.

My supply completely disappeared and that was why. Some people can tandem feed - I had only known of that. But we did supplement with formula, and I felt like a failure for not being able to support her and the baby growing in me. There was definitely a time to grieve that aspect, to supplement. And not that that's wrong - it's just different and not what I envisioned at that time. It was only a few months until she was one, and she took to solid foods and all that really quickly. It wasn't as big of a deal as it felt to me, but still valid in grieving that time.

Natalie: Yeah. Well, before we hop into Noah's pregnancy and birth story, I wanted to point out a couple things I love about your story. You went into your pregnancies with preparation, desires and hopes that were good. Like it wasn't a bad desire to want to go unmedicated. It wasn't a bad desire to want to breastfeed for that first full year, but for circumstances outside of your control, that's not what the Lord had for your story.

Allowing yourself to grieve that is perfectly normal and healthy. It's good to grieve the path we wanted to go down but that was just not what the Lord had for us. But then to also not be angry with the Lord and say, "Why didn't you allow me that?" Your heart was very much allowing yourself to feel all the things, but then to turn your heart away from just being sucked down the feelings vortex and to turn your attention to the goodness of God, even when it wasn't the plan that you had for your birth and your postpartum.

That's your heart and that's such a beautiful thing that I just want to encourage you in, because that's what life is all about. We all have plans and expectations because we think we know what's best for us, but the Lord never withholds anything that was absolutely necessary for us. You are always going to be given the things that He had for you. No one can take those things away if that's what the Lord had for you. And so being able to rest in that is huge. I just wanted to interject that.

But anyway, side tangent there. Let's hop into your pregnancy with Noah and his birth story.

Caroline: My pregnancy with Noah - we found out we were having a boy. We were just over the moon to have a boy and a girl. Honestly, pregnancy felt like it went by so fast because having a little toddler running around, that exhaustion, being pregnant and taking care of a toddler. But it was very sweet.

And I think also through my pregnancy with Noah, I wasn't able to exercise as much as I had in the past. I found other ways to work out and take care of myself. I took walks every day and that was a really awesome time. I would pray over Abigail, pray over Noah as I was pregnant. I felt like the Lord used that space - a very sweet time that the Lord used to teach me and walk with me through whatever I was feeling, whatever anxiety was going on for me.

I definitely had anxiety at different points. I would say it was more like fearful thoughts about different things. A lot of my pregnancy with Noah, I tried to just submit different plans and preparations I had with being pregnant with him and preparing for labor, preparing for birth. As I learned with my pregnancy with Abigail, there's so much unknown, and in life in general there's so much we have no control over. Instead of sitting in that fear, I tried to just submit it to the Lord, lay it again at His feet - any fears or worries I had for the day or for the future.

With Abigail's sickness and walking through that with her being in daycare, we were looking for different opportunities. The work schedule I had and her being in daycare at that time just didn't feel like it was working well for us. I found an amazing job, and we were able to take her out of daycare and use a nanny at home during a crossover period before Danny came home from work. It just worked out so much better for her health.

At this point I was nearing labor, and I had a lot of prodromal labor - just a lot of times when we thought I was going to go into labor. A lot of my anxieties and fears I had in preparing as a first-time mom was completely different. I feel like the second time around you're just so busy with the toddler, whether that's a good thing to not relish in the fears of what-ifs. As a second-time mom, you're just so busy, and just doing the different visits. I felt like my OB visits just felt so close together.

We really almost took the labor time - I had a lot of prodromal labor. And with my experience with back labor, I think I was just expected that was gonna happen again because I wasn't really sure what position he was in. I was trying to do different things like Spinning Babies to have him be in an optimal position.

I was 39 weeks exactly to the day when Noah was born. Everything went so much faster than what I had experienced before. I remember I had an OB visit that day, and I was practicing on the birth ball and doing some stretches, exercises, but not pushing it too much. Because in my mind I'm like, "Oh, this is really early," because Abigail went post. So I was like, "Oh, this is really early," like totally not expecting him to come at that point.

We tried to have something fun for dinner, so we had Chili's. The pulled pork quesadilla is amazing - if you haven't tried it. Maybe it's just a pregnancy craving. I wasn't really hungry again, so I was like, "Huh, maybe this is just another prodromal labor thing. Not gonna put too much thought into it. Just gonna try to keep going about my day."

It kept coming with more consistency, almost a pattern, which was not the case during labor with Abigail for a long time. So I was like, "Huh, maybe this is something. Not really sure, but what I have to do is vacuum my house." That was like my - for some reason I had to get that done. I didn't want a messy house for any family taking care of Abigail. So that was my priority, I guess, in the moment.

I had to vacuum the house. I was vacuuming and it just kind of felt like this constant cramp that had a progression, like a wave-like pattern. Like it would come and then for a second it kinda make me stop and stand there for a minute, and then it would just go away. I didn't want to get my hopes up. I had a really long labor with Abigail and a hard labor. I didn't want to put too much thought into what was to come, and honestly trying to trust in the Lord and just walking through that wave of contraction.

And then I just had some kind of feeling that like, "Okay, maybe this is more than what I'm thinking." And then having a doula was also awesome at this point. Still having you as my doula was awesome for having a second child. I don't know all the things and everything is still unpredictable. Having a doula again to walk with a whole different birth experience was super monumental for me, and especially with all the prodromal labor that I didn't have the first time around. Just having someone to talk through who knows the ins and outs of what I'm experiencing and can put language to it was super helpful.

So I felt things were coming at more of a consistent consistency. So we talked through it and felt that it might be a good idea to go to the hospital. I told Dan - he was playing outside in the backyard with Abigail. He gave her the quickest bath and got her ready for bed because I told him we probably would need to be going to the hospital soon. I was trying to relax and watching a baking show. This time was different - I could lay in bed and try to relax through it, versus the back labor. I felt like I couldn't even sit down, so that was very frustrating for me. But this time I could actually rest, which was very helpful.

So then we went to the hospital and I got checked. I was five or six centimeters along - further than I felt at the time. Laboring was just different this time around. So it felt like a lot of unknowns in that, just because it was different feelings and sensations than I had with back labor the first time.

I still desired that unmedicated experience, but I wasn't holding as tightly to that plan. So I was laboring and wanted to use the labor tub if possible. Water is such a relaxing experience for me, so I wanted to incorporate that into my labor. I didn't really know how much time had passed. We were using the different methods like the TENS unit and different things like that.

The positioning - this is when I felt having doula support in my birth was amazing for me. Positioning can change your birth experience. I felt there was a lot of hope in the birth experience with Noah because my doula being able to position me in a different way completely changed my ability to cope with that type of pain.

And this time around, I held more closely to my worship playlist through the contractions and the songs that I had prayed and listened to through pregnancy, really using that to help cope through the pain. Still a painful experience that as women we're experiencing because of the fall. But the Lord doesn't just leave us there in that, and how He walks with us through every step of labor.

I feel like it was like four hours later, and I didn't know how close we were, but I wanted to try using the labor tub. So I got in the labor tub, probably had a contraction, and they were like, "Okay, you're about to have him. Let us know, so we need to get you out of the tub." And I quickly felt that he was coming. We went back into a different position out of the tub and had him so fast.

Me and Dan just looked at each other in shock after Noah was born because it was just such a different experience. We talked through that later and just how highly anticipated and long of a labor it was the first time around with Abigail. We just cried and sobbed when she was finally born because we were just like, "Thank you, Jesus. Like finally, she's here," because it was such a long process through the pushing and things like that.

But with Noah it was so quick. I feel like in the moment I felt almost bad that I didn't have the same reaction as I did with Abigail, but it was just so fast that I felt like I didn't really have time to think about waiting and waiting for the next point. He was there.

To experience that unmedicated experience - I think holding more loosely to that plan just helped me enjoy that process more. So I had that unmedicated experience and just initially tried to start the breastfeeding and do similar things I did with Abigail to start that journey.

My postpartum experience with Noah was honestly a whirlwind. It felt like a moment by moment just walking through a dark area. You're just walking through darkness and just trying to take step by step, and the Lord was leading me, like holding my hand through this next step. And it's just complete darkness. And that's kind of all I can describe it as - you're just walking and just trying to trust in the Lord for your next step.

Honestly, here I am almost six months postpartum, two under two, and that's very sweet with Abigail being a big sister and her stepping in that role. It's just the sweetest thing. But there's been a lot of valleys in this time.

Natalie: It's really wild when you have one birth experience and postpartum experience, then are met with a completely different birth and postpartum experience. It almost feels like in some ways it's a first time, like you're a first-time mom, because they were so different.

Looking back on both experiences and where you're at right now, what is the biggest lesson the Lord is showing you or has been showing you? Reflecting on both journeys.

Caroline: Yeah, I feel like through the different postpartum experiences, I've definitely felt that the Lord was teaching me how He's my shepherd and really just walking with Him in many unknowns. I had a lot of grief in this postpartum time - a really close friend passing away. And you know, what's already an emotional experience, walking through grief in that and having postpartum anxiety was a really dark experience. But I was reminded of how we can await heaven and this is not the end of this life. I don't live without hope. One of my close friends who passed away was also a believer. I can have that hope and peace in knowing that she's with Him, and I don't have to fear.

Natalie: That's a huge lesson that loss, grief and death teach you. I love that the Lord has been showing Himself as a shepherd through that, pointing you to the greater hope that's ahead not only in this life, but in the next. That to live is Christ and to die is still gain. And that is a unique hope that we get to cling to as believers. Like, I really don't understand how people can walk through life without the Lord, especially loss and grief. We don't grieve as others grieve because we have a solid hope.

And I think that's such a powerful message and lesson that the Lord's revealing to you that I know will speak to so many other mamas. I need to remind myself of it again. We just get really caught up in the day to day. There are certainly times where the motherhood journey, the birth journey, all of the things can be so beautiful and so wonderful, and then in the same day, or quickly in the next moment, you feel the total opposite of that. And reconciling just that dichotomy of positive and negative and highs and lows can feel so jarring. Like, I don't know if it feels like that for you, but to just feel like you're on a rollercoaster at times.

But that's not the end of it. Just because we're feeling all the things doesn't mean it's always gonna feel so chaotic and hectic, because we do know the Lord is fully and finally sovereign over everything that happens. And just getting to cling to a hope that is so much greater than us and so much greater than our own strength, the plans that we could fathom for ourselves - He is so much more and so much better than we could ask, think, or imagine. And the way He writes our stories, all things are working for our good and His glory, and we get to rest in that, even if we don't see that or feel that.

Caroline: Yeah, I felt like a verse has been really helpful that I've been clinging to in this time. Psalm 119:50 is, "This is my comfort in my affliction: Your promise gives me life." And just how we can find comfort and hope in Him regardless of circumstances and lift our eyes above the circumstance and trust Him, because He is more powerful than our circumstances. And how we can just lift our eyes and trust Him regardless of what's swirling around. It's definitely been a difficult postpartum experience and a different breastfeeding journey than what I anticipated. But He is constant and He has never changed.

Natalie: Amen. Thank you Caroline for sharing that, and hopefully I'll have you on here again soon. Thanks so much again. And until next time, remember that your birth story is in the hands of the one who writes only good things.

Natalie Portman
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