She Prepared for an Unmedicated Birth But Got a C-Section—What God Revealed Through Loss & A Medical Miracle
Hey there, mama. Have you ever felt like God was calling you to something specific—only to watch those plans completely fall apart? Maybe you prepared your heart for a natural birth, prayed through every detail, and then ended up with an emergency C-section. Or perhaps you've walked through pregnancy loss and wondered where God was in the pain.
Today's conversation with my dear friend Gracie Clowe is going to meet you right where you are. Gracie's story is one of confusion, surrender, heartbreak, and ultimately, miraculous revelation. She prepared for an unmedicated birth but ended up with a C-section. She experienced devastating pregnancy loss. And through it all, God revealed something she never saw coming—a medical miracle that explained everything and showed her just how faithful He's been all along.
Whether you're wrestling with a birth plan that didn't go as expected, grieving a loss, or simply learning to trust God's timing, this episode is a beautiful reminder that His plans are always perfect, even when they're confusing.
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Gracie's Journey: From Unexpected Pregnancy to Preparing for an Unmedicated Birth
Gracie and her husband didn't come from huge families, but they both knew they wanted kids—and they wanted them young. A couple of years into marriage, they started trying. And to their surprise and delight, Gracie got pregnant right away.
She'll never forget the morning she found out. It was 5:00 AM, and she had just taken the test before heading to work. Excited and bursting with the news, she rushed into their bedroom to wake her husband.
"I told him I was pregnant," Gracie laughs, "and he opened his eyes, said 'Oh my gosh, that's exciting,' and then just fell right back to sleep."
It wasn't the movie-moment reaction she'd imagined, but once they reconnected later that day, the excitement was real.
God's Unexpected Invitation
Early in her pregnancy, Gracie felt something she wasn't expecting: a clear call from the Lord to pursue an unmedicated birth.
This wasn't something she'd ever considered before. In fact, Gracie admits that one of her biggest struggles in life had always been running from pain. She didn't like it. She tried to numb it. She avoided it whenever possible.
So when God invited her into something that would require her to face pain head-on, she was terrified.
But she also felt convicted. She didn't know where to start, but she knew she needed help. That's when she reached out to me to serve as her doula.
"I felt like the Lord was inviting me to do something really scary. I had never thought an unmedicated birth was an option for me. But God was calling me to trust Him in a new way." – Gracie
Gracie began preparing her body and her heart. She learned breathing techniques, studied her options, and spent time in prayer. She was all in.
But God had a very different plan in mind.
When the Baby Won't Flip: A Breech Diagnosis and Desperate Measures
As Gracie entered her second trimester, everything seemed to be going smoothly. But then, during a routine appointment, her doctor mentioned something that would change the course of her entire birth plan:
Her baby was breech.
At first, Gracie wasn't worried. Her doctor reassured her that babies usually flip by a certain point, and there was still plenty of time. But as the weeks went on, her daughter remained stubbornly head-up.
Trying Everything to Get Baby to Turn
Gracie wasn't one to give up easily. She tried everything:
✔️ Laying upside down on an ironing board
✔️ Inverting on a swivel chair at work (with her coworker holding her legs!)
✔️ Acupuncture
✔️ Playing music at the bottom of her belly to try to lure the baby down
✔️ Every "natural flip method" she could find on the internet
"Sometimes I think back on it and it was a little silly," Gracie says, "but I was getting desperate."
The Last-Ditch Effort: An External Cephalic Version (ECV)
When nothing else worked, Gracie's doctor suggested an ECV—a procedure where they manually try to turn the baby from the outside. It was her last chance to avoid a C-section.
I was there with Gracie that day. She declined the epidural, determined to practice the breathing and surrendering techniques she'd been preparing for an unmedicated birth.
But the procedure was incredibly painful. And it didn't work.
Her baby wouldn't budge. In fact, the baby started showing signs of distress—her heart rate rising as they tried to move her. The doctors stopped the procedure immediately.
"I remember looking down and seeing her whole body formed on my stomach because of how hard they were trying to move her," Gracie recalls. "But she just wouldn't move."
The doctors told her it wasn't safe to keep trying. At 37 weeks, they scheduled a C-section.
The Confusion: "God, Why Did You Lead Me Here?"
By the time Gracie reached 39 weeks, she had come to terms with the idea of a C-section. But emotionally and spiritually, she was confused.
"I felt like the Lord was the one who told me to prepare for an unmedicated birth. He was the one who invited me into this. And He's the one who has control over my baby. So why wasn't He making her flip? Why did He lead me down this road just to not fulfill what He had me prepare for?" – Gracie
It's a question so many of us have asked in different seasons:
God, I thought You said…
I thought this was Your plan…
Why did You let this happen?
Gracie didn't have answers. But she chose to trust anyway.
A Gentle C-Section and a Beautiful Birth
On the day of her C-section, Gracie experienced what's called a "gentle C-section." Her doctor dimmed the lights, allowed her to play worship music, and let her see and hold her baby right away.
The song playing as her daughter, Marcy, was born? "No One Ever Loved Me Like Jesus."
"It was such a beautiful moment," I remember. "Gracie's arms were stretched out like Jesus on the cross, and she was just surrendered. It was one of my favorite C-sections I've ever attended."
Even though it wasn't the birth Gracie had planned, it was peaceful. It was safe. And it was exactly what God had ordained.
Her daughter was born healthy and perfect. And Gracie was grateful.
But the story doesn't end there.
Heartbreak and Loss: A Miscarriage Just Before Marcy's First Birthday
Right before Marcy turned one, Gracie discovered she was pregnant again.
It was a complete surprise—they weren't trying—but they were thrilled. This would be baby number two, and they felt ready.
But just two weeks after finding out, around Thanksgiving, Gracie miscarried.
And then, on Marcy's first birthday in early December, she physically lost the baby.
The Depths of Grief
"It was one of the worst things I've ever gone through," Gracie shares. "I believe life begins at conception. So we had a baby. We don't know if they were a boy or a girl. We don't know what their life would have looked like. But we had a baby—and they didn't make it."
Gracie had never experienced suffering like this before. The physical pain was excruciating. The emotional grief was unbearable. The loss of dreams and hopes felt crushing.
But in the midst of that suffering, something beautiful happened:
She met God as Comforter in a way she never had before.
"I've been following Jesus since I was a little girl. But this season—it was like I was meeting Him again for the first time. In my suffering, I became united to Christ in His suffering. And I found Him there. That's where He is—in the suffering with us." – Gracie
Going Septic: A Medical Emergency and a Shocking Discovery
A few weeks after the miscarriage, Gracie thought the worst of the physical trauma was over. But then, in the middle of the night, she woke up in excruciating pain with a high fever and a splitting headache.
She knew something was very wrong.
Her husband rushed her to the hospital, where doctors discovered she was going septic—a life-threatening infection. Tissue from the miscarriage had remained in her body, and she needed an emergency D&C (dilation and curettage) surgery.
The Moment Everything Made Sense
As Gracie was coming out of anesthesia, her doctor looked at her with an expression she couldn't quite read.
"She looked happy," Gracie remembers. "And I was like, why is she happy right now? This is not a fun surgery."
Her doctor leaned in and said: "We know. We just discovered something we didn't know you had."
During one of Gracie's earlier post-miscarriage scans, a technician had noticed what they thought was a lining dividing her uterus in two. They planned to check it out during the D&C.
But what they found was even more shocking:
Gracie doesn't have a lining dividing her uterus. She has TWO fully separate, fully formed uteruses.
"I was like, what are you talking about?" Gracie laughs. "It was such a crazy moment. In the middle of all this pain and loss, God gave me this little gift of humor. Like, of course I have two uteruses. Of course."
The Miracle Revealed: Why Marcy Never Flipped
As the reality of her condition set in, Gracie started piecing together her story.
Her first daughter, Marcy, was breech because she literally couldn't flip.
With two uteruses, each one is smaller than a typical uterus. Marcy didn't have enough room to turn. And when the doctors tried to manually flip her during the ECV, she couldn't move because there was nowhere for her to go.
"It wasn't that she was stubborn. It was that she literally couldn't relocate. And the fact that she grew full-term in that small space? That was a miracle. God knew exactly what He was doing the whole time." – Gracie
Suddenly, all the confusion made sense.
God hadn't abandoned her. He hadn't been confused. He had seen it all—the whole story—from the very beginning.
And He had been faithful every step of the way.
📖 Scripture for Your Heart
"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."
– Psalm 119:105 (ESV)
This verse beautifully captures Gracie's journey—and perhaps yours too, mama.
We so desperately want the full roadmap. We want to see around every corner, know how every decision will play out, and understand why God is allowing certain things in our story. We want the floodlight that illuminates the entire path ahead.
But that's not how God works. He gives us just enough light for the next step. One week at a time. One day at a time. One moment at a time.
And that's actually His kindness to us.
If Gracie had known from the beginning that her daughter would be breech, that she'd need a C-section, that she'd lose a baby, that she'd go septic and discover she has two uteruses—the weight of that knowledge might have crushed her. But God, in His mercy, gave her just enough light for each step. Just enough grace for each day.
The same is true for you.
You don't need to have it all figured out right now. You don't need to know how your birth will go, or whether your baby will flip, or what the outcome will be. You just need to take the next faithful step with the light God has given you today.
Gracie's story is a beautiful picture of this truth. Yes, there was trouble—breech babies, unplanned C-sections, devastating loss, medical emergencies. But through it all, God was present. God was faithful. And God was working everything together for good.
He was the lamp. He was the light. And He never left her in the dark.
Trusting God Week by Week: Gracie's Current Pregnancy
Today, Gracie is pregnant again—with another baby girl. And yes, she's in the same uterus that Marcy was in.
Her doctors have told her there's a chance she could have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), but there's also a chance she'll need another C-section. It all depends on whether this baby flips—and because of the size of her uterus, the window for flipping is much shorter than normal.
So Gracie and her team are taking it week by week.
"If she's head down by 30 weeks, she'll probably stay that way and we'll try for a VBAC," Gracie explains. "But if she's head up, she'll probably stay that way and I'll have another C-section. And honestly? I'm at peace with either."
The Freedom of Surrender
This time around, Gracie isn't confused. She isn't desperate. She's surrendered.
"Whatever happens is great," she says. "I've had a C-section before, and if that's my story again, I'll go with it. I completely trust the Lord in it. I know why now. It actually makes sense. But I also think it would be really exciting to try for a VBAC if it's possible."
"Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. We don't get the whole map. We get one step at a time. And that's God's grace." – Natalie
The Beauty of Sacrificial Motherhood
One of the most powerful parts of Gracie's story is her reflection on what it means to be a mother.
From the moment she found out she was pregnant, Gracie began experiencing the depths of sacrifice—being sick, uncomfortable, exhausted. She realized that motherhood doesn't start when you give birth. It starts the second you find out you're pregnant.
And it continues through every sleepless night, every hard season, every moment of laying down your life for your child.
A Picture of Christ's Love
As I listened to Gracie share her heart, I was reminded of the woman who poured expensive perfume on Jesus's feet. The religious leaders said, "What a waste."
But Jesus said, "What worship."
The world looks at sacrificial motherhood and says, "What a waste of your potential, your career, your freedom."
But God says, "What worship."
"There's no greater love than this: that someone would lay down his life for his friends. And as moms, we get a taste of that every single day." – Gracie
🙏 A Prayer for Your Birth Journey
Dear Lord,
Thank You for being with us in every season—the joyful ones and the confusing ones, the celebrations and the heartbreaks. Thank You that You see the whole story, even when we can only see one step at a time.
For the mama reading this who's walking through an unplanned C-section, a breech baby, a pregnancy loss, or simply the daily sacrifices of motherhood—meet her right where she is. Remind her that You are close to the brokenhearted. Remind her that You are working all things together for good. And give her the grace to surrender, one week, one day, one moment at a time.
We trust You, Lord. Even when we don't understand.
In Jesus's name, Amen.
📎Resources & Links Mentioned
✨ Christian Mama Birth Prep Library - Free birth prep tools, worship playlists & more
✝️ Online Christian Childbirth Education - Explore my complete birth preparation self-paced course
💛 Work with Me 1:1 - Personalized pregnancy and birth support that integrates faith and evidence-based care, including virtual coaching, doula support, and comprehensive childbirth education
📣 Let’s Stay Connected
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Meet Your Host —
Natalie is a certified birth doula and childbirth educator in Jacksonville, FL. She equips Christian women to experience peaceful, faith-filled births through virtual and in-person support. Her heart is to help mamas navigate pregnancy and birth with confidence, wisdom, and trust in God's perfect plan.
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📄 Full Episode Transcript
Natalie: Hey there, mama. I'm so excited to introduce you to today's guest, Gracie Clowe. Gracie is a faithful follower of Jesus and mama who's currently in such a sweet season of life. She's got a toddler running around and she's expecting another one this fall. She also serves as a student ministry associate at the Church of Eleven22, working with high schoolers.
Gracie has such a beautiful story about surrendering to God's plan in motherhood, especially when things don't go the way we expect them to. She's walked through the experience of preparing for an unmedicated birth, doing all the research and prep work, but then needing to shift to a planned C-section. And God used that experience to teach her about trust and surrender in ways she never expected. I think you're really going to connect with her heart and her story, especially if you've had a birth plan that went totally differently than you'd hoped. Gracie, thank you so much for sharing your story with us today.
Gracie: Thanks for having me.
Natalie: I'm excited, and I forgot to mention I was your doula for the first time that you gave birth. So really, really exciting, and you're such a dear friend to me. So super excited to have you on. So let's start from the very beginning. What was your journey like to becoming pregnant that first time?
Gracie: Honestly, my husband and I decided a couple years into marriage that we were ready to start having kids. I don't come from a huge family, but I have two sisters and my husband has four siblings. And so we just knew pretty soon we wanted to have kids. We wanted to have kids young because we wanted to spend as much time as we could with them. And so, yeah, honestly, like getting pregnant—that part of our story was pretty easy. We were really blessed. We just kind of started trying one time and then I found out I was pregnant. And I know it's not a lot of people's stories, but there's definitely been hard parts of our journey, but that part was really a blessing from the Lord.
And yeah, I kind of knew I was pregnant. I could tell. There were signs that I was pregnant. And I woke up one early morning to go to work. It was like 5:00 AM and my husband was still sleeping. And I took a test and I found out I was pregnant, and I went in and told him. He was still sleeping. It was like 5:00 AM and he opened his eyes and was so groggy. And he was like, "Oh my gosh, that's exciting." And then he literally just fell back to sleep. Just fell right back to sleep. And I was like, okay, this is great. This is how it's going to go. And so obviously he was excited later that day once we reconnected. But yeah, it was pretty simple, easy for us to get pregnant.
Natalie: I love that. I know it's one of those things—it's a hard part of when you have that desire in your heart to want to start trying for a baby, and you have to temper those expectations of like, I have no idea if this is going to take a really, really long time. Like if that's going to be my story, or if we will get pregnant right away. And you kind of have to prepare for both scenarios in some ways. But what a blessing that you guys were able to get pregnant so quickly. That's awesome.
Gracie: Yeah.
Natalie: Now tell me about your pregnancy overall. How did you prepare, like in all the ways—emotionally, spiritually, physically—to prepare for the birth experience you were hoping to have?
Gracie: Yeah. Early on in my pregnancy, I felt like I had heard the Lord be really clear to me that he wanted me to pursue an unmedicated birth. And I didn't know what that meant. I didn't have really any experience. I had no experience with birth, obviously. I didn't really know much about it. And one of my struggles my whole life had just been like running from pain. I don't like pain. I try to numb pain. I try to not feel pain. And so pretty soon into it, I felt like the Lord was inviting me to do something really scary, which was—I had never thought that was an option. I was definitely a more natural-minded person, but I had always thought like, giving birth would be so horrible. Why would I not get an epidural or something, you know? And yeah, the Lord just convicted my heart to try to be flexible and see what he would have for me in that.
And so I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to start, but I knew you. And so I was like, Natalie, I need help. And I needed a doula. I didn't know what to do. And so, I mean, I think physically, preparing for birth physically, I met with you and I just tried to train my body to prepare to give birth and to have my baby. And I mean, that whole process was great. I feel like I learned so much. I feel like I learned so much about my body and what it's able to do. And yeah, being pregnant is not my favorite thing in the world. I think some women love being pregnant. I love being pregnant because I get to carry my child, but that's pretty much it. I just—yeah, I usually feel pretty sick the first trimester and I just feel so lacking in energy. And so I don't necessarily love it.
But emotionally and spiritually, I think that first time it was really like a game changer for me to just experience what was possible in my body physically. And also just to know that God is creating a new human being in me. And so I think there was so much growth in that season for me, just getting to know the Lord in a new side of him as creator. I know he created me and he creates the things around me, but to watch him and experience him create a life inside of me was really, really beautiful. So I think my pregnancy with my daughter was like a mixed bag. It was tough sometimes, and sometimes it was really beautiful and sometimes it was hard and sometimes it was easy. And so it was just—with the course of almost 10 months, you know, there's so much you experience in between, days in and out of all that.
But yeah, being pregnant is—it's a sacrifice that I think I was under the impression of like, I'm going to become a parent once I have my baby, you know? But so soon in being pregnant, you just experience the depths of sacrifice for your child, you know, like from being sick and from being uncomfortable and from being tired. The art of sacrificing yourself on behalf of someone else, which I really think is like the bulk of being a parent, starts from the second you find out that you're pregnant. And so yeah, I think that part was really special.
Natalie: No, I love that you're drawing that out because it's so true. Even from the moment you have—like what we're saying—that desire in your heart to become a parent, there is a level of vulnerability there that, if it doesn't happen right away or if it does happen right away, it's like immediately things are shifting in your world and it's a time of just giving that to the Lord. Whether that is a very rocky season with a lot of heartache and disappointment, or if that's filled with a lot of joy, the Lord really does draw us to himself through blessing and breaking. It's kind of a mixed bag, like you're saying. It's kind of a mixed bag, this whole motherhood journey.
And unfortunately, you know, I think for most women there is some level of breaking in that. But it's not a sign that the Lord has abandoned you. It's not a sign that he's not faithful to you. Even the fact that childbirth for most women, not all, but for most women is extremely painful is, again, not a sign that we just need to avoid all pain because pain equals bad. I don't agree with that at all. I think pain can sometimes be an invitation for us to go to the Lord and say like, I don't know what to do with this.
Okay, straight talk—a couple minutes ago I was screaming at Ellie because we are having a bad day today. Like we are—both me and Ellie are both having a bad day today. And I can choose to be like, this whole day is ruined because of these fights that we're having today. And clearly there's something wrong with me as a mom and just everything is broken and everything is screwed up and I just don't want to be a part of this anymore. Like, I can so easily go to that. But then as I was doing dishes and preparing to get on this interview with you, I was just like—the Lord was just like, Natalie, just bring this all to me. Like, you can bring all your crap to me. Like I can handle that. And you can go to the Lord and say, this stuff that I'm going through is not my favorite. I don't like being pregnant sometimes. It is really hard and the level of sacrifice sometimes feels like too much. But he is so faithful, even when we are not in a place where we can even see that or receive that or perceive that, you know?
Gracie: Yeah.
Natalie: So yeah. Thank you for sharing that. That's beautiful. So now let's shift a little bit more into your birth story. And you know, obviously we're talking about how you were preparing for this unmedicated birth experience, but then you found out that there were some things going on. You needed a scheduled C-section, which obviously was so different from what you were planning and expecting. But can you walk us through how that all unfolded and then how you were feeling during that time?
Gracie: Yeah. So up until this point, I feel like I've kind of explained—yeah, I was entering into maybe my second trimester and I was just figuring out all the things of being pregnant and starting to get really excited to have our baby and getting closer to giving birth. And up to this point, there were no issues. There was nothing that was concerning or anything. And yeah, as we got maybe to late twenties, early thirties—like 20-some weeks of being pregnant—you know, my doctor was just letting me know, like, your baby's breech and you have plenty of time for her to turn. They usually turn by, you know, a certain amount of weeks and I had plenty of time to go. And so yeah, I was like, that's fine, no worries. Like, I'm sure this will happen.
And you know, I think people have different experiences with having a breech baby, but my OB was set on the idea—and I really trusted them in this—that if I was going to have a breech baby that I wouldn't deliver vaginally, I would have a C-section. And so I was just convinced at that point that she was going to flip and everything was going to be fine. And so I started to do all the things that would get her to turn—eastern, western, like whatever it was. I was laying on an ironing board on my couch, upside down and on my bed. I remember one of my closest friends and I shared an office at work, and in the middle of the work day I would get on my swivel chair and flip upside down, and she would hold my legs up for me. It was the whole—at the end of every day we were just trying all the methods. I did acupuncture and all sorts of different things, like seriously every end of the spectrum to try to get her to flip. Things that everyone said worked. I was playing music on the bottom of my stomach to try to get her to move. It was just—sometimes you think back on it, it was a little silly, but I was starting to get a little bit desperate.
And yeah, at that point maybe we were in the early thirties and she still hadn't flipped and they were checking every appointment. And so the next thing I could do was go into the hospital and try to have them turn her in what they called an ECV, an external cephalic version. So they're doing a version to try to move her manually. Natalie was there with me. And yeah, that usually was like a last-ditch effort to try to get the baby to flip. And my doctor had said that they had had really, really great success with it. And so I just went in. I didn't even realize really what I was getting into, but they offered me an epidural for that process too. And I was like, well, this might be a little more serious than I think. But I was like, no, I think I can handle it. I'm going to start practicing all the things I'm trying to put into practice anyways with the breathing and trusting and all that kind of stuff.
And so yeah, we got into it and I was up on the table and my OB doctor and my midwife were both fully on me trying to maneuver my baby down, like head down. And it was very painful, which I just didn't expect. But I mean, yeah, it was very painful. And it didn't work. And so we tried to move her and she wouldn't move. And I remember looking down and I could see her whole body formed on my stomach because of how they were trying to move her. And she wasn't budging. And she started to go into a state of stress. Her heart rate started to rise and they just told me, this isn't probably the safest decision anymore to try to pursue this. And so you can take the next couple of weeks and keep doing your things and see if she'll flip. But we don't really think this is the best choice for her safety and for yours.
And so that was my last-ditch effort, I think. I mean, I tried—I continued trying all of the silly things after that. But I really got to the point, a couple weeks out, maybe 37 weeks, where they told me, I think your only option at this point is to have a C-section. And yeah, I think by that point I had kind of started to come around to the idea that she wasn't going to move. I mean, we had tried everything and it hadn't worked. But I will say I was definitely really confused. I was confused because I felt like the Lord was the one who had told me and invited me into a specific kind of birth that he wanted me to have. And he was the one who could be in control in this moment. And so if he wanted me to have that kind of birth and he had the ability to move her—like why wasn't he doing it? It was confusing. And yeah, I think confusing is the best way to describe it. I wasn't necessarily upset. I was just like, God, why did you lead me down this road to then not fulfill what you had me prepare for?
So I ended up getting to 39 weeks and had our daughter via a C-section. And it was great. Honestly, it wasn't horrible. And I think I was just telling my OB just a few weeks ago when I was talking to her, because I'm obviously pregnant now, and she was saying everyone who tells her they had a C-section just says how horrible it was and how they don't want to do it again. To be honest, I'm not sure—I would say I would try to have a VBAC in the future and I'm going to try, but my experience of having a C-section really wasn't horrible. It obviously wasn't what I had planned, but it wasn't horrible. And it was what God had—it was what he had planned for me in that time.
And looking back now, there were things that I had no idea about. I had no idea what caused this. I now know the reason as to why all this happened physically, which I can get into later. But there were physical reasons as to why she couldn't move. And I didn't know. And so yeah, I ended up having a C-section and it was good. And it was tough in some ways. My OB is really awesome and they provide what they call a gentle C-section. And so I was able to have my preferences met and honored and I was able to have a very peaceful experience. The OR is definitely not peaceful in general. It's really scary and sterile and bright. But they dim the lights and let you play music and let you hold your baby when she came out and see her when she comes out. And so I think it was as good as it could have gone.
Yeah, it definitely was not what I had planned and it definitely was not what I felt like the Lord had led me to pursue. But it was what he decided was best for me. And so it happened and it was great and it gave me and my husband our daughter safely and healthily, and that's all I could really ask for. So, yeah.
Natalie: Yeah. Your C-section was honestly one of my favorites in that you could just feel the Lord's presence there. I remember the song that Marcy was born to was "No One Ever Loved Me Like Jesus." And I just remember that being such a beautiful song that she was born to because it is true. Like as much as we love our children, the Lord loves them so much more. And even that song playing was you surrendering to the Lord. Like literally your arms are stretched side to side like Jesus on the cross, and you're just like, I am totally surrendered to your plan, Lord. This didn't look the way I thought.
The disciples when Jesus was being crucified and died on the cross were like, what the actual crap is happening right now? This is not at all what we expected, not at all what we had prepared for. And that's what the Lord had allowed. And I think when we are in a season like that where we are so utterly confused why the Lord allowed certain things to happen, it's because sometimes this side of glory—but sometimes not—we will not see the full story and we will not understand why certain things happened.
But I really am so excited for you to share the kind of backstory behind why Marcy wasn't flipping, because this blows my mind. So please share all of the things pertaining to that because this is so insane.
Gracie: Yeah. Marcy was born and she was incredible. We love her so much. Right before her first birthday, my husband and I actually found out we were pregnant again for a second time. And this was a big surprise. We were not trying. And we had no idea. But I found out I was pregnant and, you know, this would be the second time around. And so we were stoked, we were excited, we knew what to expect. And yeah, we had known we were pregnant for two weeks and right around Thanksgiving we lost the baby. And so we found out around Thanksgiving and then actually on our daughter's first birthday in early December is when we lost the baby.
And it was—yeah, it was really horrible. It was, I think, one of the most unique pains and grief I've ever experienced. Obviously, I believe that life begins at conception. And so I believe and know that we had a baby. You know, we don't know if they were a boy or girl and we don't know what their life would have looked like. But we had a baby and they didn't make it. You know, it's pretty unexplainable. Yeah, in that process there's so much there. But in that process, the Lord just really, really spoke to me. And I think—yeah, I would never wish that on myself or my story. But what the Lord showed me about himself in that season was irreplaceable.
Up until this point, I've never really suffered or experienced any form of suffering beyond the normal everyday things. And this grief, this pain was—it was seriously, I think, one of the worst things I've ever gone through. Physically, the pain of it. And the loss of dreams and hopes and, yeah, just the grief of losing your child. Yeah, it was unexplainable. But in the midst of suffering, I encountered the Lord. And I'm really convinced that our purpose here on earth is to know who God is, is to know him and to know who he is.
I think the Westminster Catechism says this line of like, what is the chief end of man? It's to glorify God and to enjoy him forever. And so to enjoy God is to know him. I think all the things we experience, whether good or bad, allow us to know who God is and know different attributes and characteristics of him and to enjoy him. That's why he made us, so that we could enjoy him and we could love him and he could love us. And yeah, this is one of the things that I went through that—yeah, I don't necessarily know how to reconcile how God chooses suffering on our behalf, but I do know that he allowed this to happen. And he is the only giver and taker of life from conception to—your point earlier, like people that try and control everything and they still can't conceive and have a baby. But they control their whole—I have friends who've done everything, you know, they've tried to control every piece and they still can't get pregnant.
To being a mom now, and I can control the environment so much for my daughter, but at the end of the day, I can't control her life. There's such a key piece of being a parent that you learn—you have really no control and God is the giver and taker of life. And in this instance, God gave us life and then he took it away. And in taking it away, yeah, I came to know him as comforter in a way that I don't think I would have ever known him before. It was like I've been following Jesus since I was a little girl. And so, yeah, there's different seasons where I come to know the Lord deeper, but this season I think was—it was like I was meeting him again for the first time in a new way. It was completely unlike anything else.
And amidst my suffering is where I became united to Christ. I became united to Christ in his suffering and in his pain. And he tells us, in this world you will have trouble. In this world you will be like me. Like I suffered, you will suffer. But in the suffering is where we find him. That's where he is—in the suffering with us. The suffering servant is who Christ is. And I met him there as comforter and it changed my life. It would change the way I view him and see him and walk alongside others, I think, forever. And it doesn't excuse or take away the pain of it all, but it was really a deepening season of my life in general.
And so with all of that, obviously we lost our baby and it was really horrible. I ended up having a pretty traumatic physically miscarriage. I miscarried the baby at six weeks and then maybe eight to 10 weeks post—or eight to 10 weeks of when I would have been pregnant. So a few weeks after I miscarried—it was the holiday season and it was hard to get into the hospital and do all the things and appointments and stuff, you know, just with the holidays. And I still had remained tissue that was left in my body and I ended up going septic actually. And it was—yeah, it was horrible.
I woke up one night in excruciating pain. I thought I had pretty much passed the whole horrible physical part of the process of losing the baby. And I woke up in extreme pain with a fever and a headache, and I thought, I think I have an infection. These are the signs of infection. So my husband rushed me to the hospital. Yeah, I was going septic, and it was very scary. I obviously didn't really know what that meant. And I had an emergency D&C. And in my D&C is where we figured out a really key part of my body that I had never known about.
And like I said, this season was so sad and so hard in so many ways. But honestly, this part of the surgery I think was—as I start to explain it, you'll know—but I think it was just like a little bit of a gift of humor from the Lord to me. I just started to, once I found out what was going on, it was like, wow, this is crazy. And so yeah, I had my surgery. My doctor was incredible, and I was coming out of anesthesia. And I mean, I'm seriously—I'm laying there, I'm fresh out of anesthesia. And my doctor, I can tell she's happy, right? And so I'm like, why is she happy right now? This is not a fun surgery.
And she looks at me and she's like, we know. We just discovered something that we didn't know that you had. And I skipped a part, but in one of my appointments post losing our baby, the person who was doing my scan noticed—they thought there was some sort of lining in my uterus separating it into two. And so they had told me they were going to look out for that in the surgery, they might remove it or whatever. And I didn't really think of it as that big of a deal.
So in my surgery, my OB, my doctor, as she's waking me up from anesthesia, tells me that she has discovered that there's no lining in my uterus. But in fact, I just have two fully separate formed uteruses in my body, which is—that's why I say it was like a humorous gift from the Lord. Because there was nothing fun about the season at all. But it was like, for a moment I was just able to laugh. Like, what are you talking about? That is crazy. I mean, this formed in me when I was in utero myself, like when I was a baby. And so I've had this my whole life, my whole last pregnancy, and we never noticed it. It was never noticeable.
And yeah. And so that was obviously really crazy. Since then, I've met multiple women who have the same thing, which is crazy. And yeah, all that to be said, through the pain and the heartbreak and the physical trauma of the sepsis, all of that, the Lord allowed me to start to piece together so much of my story all in one. Which was—I was so concerned when I was telling—when I was pregnant with Marcy, why isn't she flipping? Why isn't she turning? Why doesn't she have enough space?
And at this point I was able to realize, my uterus was pretty much—well, there's two of them, but they're pretty much the size as they should be. And so what I thought was a problem as to why she wouldn't turn actually was a full-blown miracle that my first daughter, Marcy, even grew full term because she was in a space that was very small. She obviously had enough space to grow. She came out and she was a perfect size, but she didn't have enough room in there to flip whatsoever.
And I just remember thinking, flashing back to when they were doing the procedure to try to turn her and they were trying to move her. And it wasn't like she was not budging. It was like she literally couldn't move. She couldn't relocate anywhere else. And so I think—there was no reason why the Lord owed me an explanation for all of that. But in learning about my body, it answered that question of like, oh, she's actually—it's actually a miracle that she grew in here perfectly fine. And there was nothing wrong with her at all. And I had no idea. I had no idea the whole time.
And it just taught me so much of—I think I know what's best, but God sees. God sees it all. He saw everything. He knew exactly what was right and what was best, and he wasn't confused as to why she wasn't moving the way I was confused as to why she wasn't. Because he could see it all and he knew it all and he was in control. And he was doing what was best for me and what was best for her. And so, yeah, I have two uteruses now, which is my fun fact. Anytime anyone wants to know anything, as long as they're not bothered by it being maybe TMI, it's a fun fact for sure. And yeah, I mean, I think I'm fine. I'm obviously pregnant again now. We'll see what happens with my birth. But so that's a fun fact. And yeah, I mean, we just figured it out on the back end of some really hard loss. But yeah, it all kind of comes together in a weird little bow.
Natalie: When you told me you had two uteruses, I was like, I'm sorry, did I read that right? I think you texted me and I was like, you what? I was so confused. I was like, I had never heard of that before. And then you and the OB were joking, like you could have two sets of twins, but in each uterus. And just the crazy possibilities of, or just having two babies, one in each uterus. I mean, it's—
Gracie: Yes.
Natalie: The things that could happen in your body, but you know, so gracious that the Lord had it in your story to kind of shed some light on why maybe that happened is just insane. That, yeah, you're right. He doesn't owe us an explanation. He doesn't. He is so perfect in his plans. And it's almost like when you're trying to explain to your child, okay, we're going to do this, that, and the other. And they're like, why are we doing this? And you're like, there's too much for me to even get into why we're doing this the way that we're doing it.
And I feel like when we have that childlike faith with the Lord of, I would love to know all the answers. That's definitely my personality. I want to know all the answers. I want to know the why, I want to know the how, I want to know all those things. But when we get to a place of not feeling like we need to control the outcomes, and we are truly operating in faith with the Lord of, you know, I don't have to know all these things, but I wholeheartedly trust that you have this taken care of. It does usher in such a sweet season and such a peace that comes over you because you don't feel like you need to have it all figured out to make the right decisions or, you know, do whatever you had planned to do with your plans. So, yeah, such a wild twist in all of this story, but thank you for sharing that.
Gracie: Yeah.
Natalie: And then with this pregnancy that you currently have, what's been going on with that baby? Do you even know the gender yet or are you guys waiting?
Gracie: It's a girl. Yeah, we're having another girl.
Natalie: Another girl. That's right. You told me this. So what are y'all—what's she doing this time? Is she—she's in the same uterus. You told me this.
Gracie: She's in the same uterus that Marcy was in. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She is. And we are just going to take it week by week, to be honest. My doctors told me there's a chance that I could have a VBAC and there's a chance that it could be the same exact way that it was with Marcy. And so basically there's a shorter amount of time in the size of my uterus for a baby to flip. So my doctor would normally say maybe around 35 weeks, baby's probably going to have moved, or 38 or whatever the case is. Maybe around 30 weeks is probably around when my baby will probably stay in the same place just because of the size. And so yeah, if we get to that point and she happens to be head down, then she probably won't be able to move anymore. She'll be stuck that way. So she'll probably stay head down and we'll try to have a VBAC.
But if she happens to be head up, then she'll probably stay head up and I'll have another C-section. And so it really is just kind of week by week, see what happens. She's definitely active and moving around in there and it's really crazy now that I know this. I can see her on my right side of my stomach. I can feel her on the right side of my stomach. I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter Marcy, my friends at my baby shower actually were like, your stomach is only to the right. And I was like, yeah, I know that and I don't know why, but it's only to the—and I was like, yeah, that's true. I thought it was just because I knew she was breech at that point. I thought maybe that's where her head was. But it was literally just my whole right side of my stomach was the bigger part.
And so now that I know it, it's funny. I can see that that's where she is. She's on the right side. We'll just kind of take it week by week and see what happens. And it's really—yeah, it's really freeing to me now to know, whatever happens is great. I mean, I've had a C-section before and so if that's my story again, then that'll be it. And I'll go with it and I will completely trust the Lord in it. I know why, right? It would actually make sense to me now. I think to have a VBAC and try for it would be really exciting. I think I'd like to give it a chance, you know, an option if I can. I don't know why I would ever pass that up if it was a possibility. But yeah, at this point we're just kind of taking it week by week and seeing what happens.
Natalie: I love it. Well, and I even think of the verse, "Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." And the thing that we want most is that headlight that's shining the whole path down for us. But that's not what the Lord's word is for us. His word is like what you're saying, just step by step, week by week, just seeing what he has for you. Because if we knew the whole story, we probably would screw it up, you know? If we knew all that the Lord had planned for our life, we would royally mess it up. And it's his grace that he allows us to, you know, just step by step, be following him and walking into the promises and the beautiful things he has for us.
And if you are a believer, then you truly in your deep down in your soul get to have this feeling of, you know, everything that's happening in my life, the good, the bad, the ugly, the unexpected, the unexplainable, all of that is working for my good and ultimately his glory. And when you get to group all those experiences under that umbrella, it makes it so much easier to walk in faith than in fear, which is most of our tendency to do.
But I love that you're—and just another thing that I just love about you in general is your faith in the Lord is so genuine. And so to be able to kind of watch you from the outside in, going through all of this—going through the pregnancy with Marcy and the unexpected twists and turns of having the planned C-section and then, you know, you were keeping me in the loop right when you found out you were pregnant again and the loss and all that. And just to see the Lord's closeness to you in this season has just been so beautiful because I know it's genuine. I know that the Lord truly is with you and that you love him so much in spite of all the things that have happened. So just throwing that out there.
Gracie: Thank you.
Natalie: But let's actually back up just a little bit. So back to Marcy. So walk through what that postpartum season was like. I know we kind of skipped over it a little bit, but give a little bit of context to what that was like transitioning to being a mama for the first time and breastfeeding and just all the things. How was that season?
Gracie: Yeah, I mean, I think back to what I said in the beginning—being a mom, being a parent—I'm sure this is the case for dads too—is the most sacrificial thing I've ever done. And those first few weeks were so hard. The exhaustion and recovering from, I think, the major surgery and figuring out how to breastfeed, how to take care of a child, how to literally just—all of it is brand new. And so, yeah, when I think back to that season, I have so much grace for myself that I probably didn't have then. I was just scared and anxious about a lot of things and exhausted. I think the word I think of is just exhausted. I was exhausted. And I think I can say that because that's just the shared common experience of being postpartum—you're just exhausted.
But it was so beautiful. I'm excited to have another baby because I think the biggest, hardest thing for me in becoming a mom was that I had no idea what to do. And I'm sure—and I know—all of our kids will be different and they'll present unique challenges. But I know, I'm confident we can have a baby, we can take care of her, we can love her. And yeah, you just feel so much pressure that you don't really know what to do with, at least that was the case for me. But looking forward to the future now I'm like, I'll be okay. You know? You just feel so overwhelmed by it all. And in the midst of it, there's so much joy and so much love and so much excitement.
And so yeah, I remember a couple of memories that really shaped that time for me. I remember one night I was awake in the middle of the night, and this was a few weeks in. You know, at some point I let my husband off the hook and was like, you should just sleep. He was trying to help me for a long time and change the diapers and stuff. But at some point, when you're breastfeeding, you're just like, you just go to bed, you know? I'll be here, I'll do my thing. You just go to bed. And so I was just sitting there and it was like 3:00 AM in the morning and I was exhausted and I was tired. And I was just in a weak moment. And I just remember texting one of my friends who had had a baby maybe two months before I did. And so I knew she was probably still up at the same time as me. I just remember texting her and being like, I just feel so alone. Those are the times in the night where you feel like you're the only person. There's no one else with you. You're the only one doing this. There's no one else. Yes, your husband gets it, but in a very unique way. There's no one else who in that moment feels exactly what it feels like to be the mom of this child.
And she just texted me this thing that transformed the way I think about—the way I really thought in that season, the way I really think about honestly every part of my motherhood now—which was, hey, you feel like you're alone. But the truth is, there's thousands of mothers all across the world in this moment that are probably feeding their child the same exact time that you are. And they're maybe alone in their room, but you are now a part of this thing that is so much larger than you. There's moms here in our city and our country and across the world that are in this moment sacrificing themselves on behalf of their children. And whether that's in the first few weeks of being postpartum or up until this point with your daughter being a year, year and a half, there's moments where there's really hard, hard times too. And I think, I'm not the only one who's experienced this before. You know, the women that came before me, the moms that came before me, the ones that will come after—it's just a really beautiful, honoring thing to be a part of.
And so, yeah, I think people always—I always heard people say moms are superheroes, you know? And I remember one night I was like, no, that's the truest thing I've ever heard. To think all my friends that are moms before me, that I had no idea what they were experiencing. And now I'm like, I know what it feels like. And I literally am a superhero. We are superheroes for doing all this. And obviously as seasons change, things are so different. Our struggles and challenges now are very different than they were then. We sleep through the night now and all those things. But I think every season—being postpartum and every season of motherhood—there's just so much sacrifice.
And to your point earlier, which was so beautiful about seeing myself lay down on the table, having a C-section, being open and modeling Christ on the cross—I think that is such a really humbling posture as a mom, as a parent, that you get to, you get a taste of what it feels like to sacrifice, to lay down your life for someone else. It's the hardest thing that I think you could ever do, but it really is the most beautiful thing. That's what Jesus said. Jesus says, there's no greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends. And so yeah, in moments of parenthood and the moments of postpartum that are really tough, it's simultaneously so hard and so much love. There's no greater love than that you would lay down your life for your children. And so, yeah, it was a unique season.
And part of the thing is I kind of forget, probably like self-preservation. My body just forgets and I'm starting to remember now as I'm starting to prepare to have another baby. I'm like, oh my gosh, those nights for so long. But it all comes in seasons, you know? It didn't last forever. And yeah. So to answer your question, it was really fun and so much love, and it was really hard all at the same time.
Natalie: That's beautiful. I recently saw somebody posted on Instagram and it was talking about—was it Mary Magdalene who poured out the expensive ointment on Jesus's feet? Was it Mary Magdalene?
Gracie: Mary, the sister of Martha, but both Marys, yes.
Natalie: Okay. One of them—the one who had a sketchy past and all the things—but she poured out this expensive ointment on the Lord's feet and the religious people thought, what a waste. This money could have been put towards so many other things and blah, blah, blah. And their heart posture was so wrong. And then somebody posted, okay, so the world views motherhood—I especially think of the feminist movement where they view motherhood, you know, being a stay-at-home mom or just really sacrificing for your children—what a waste. And the Lord says, what worship. And that struck a chord with me.
Not that I think you're only a sacrificial mom if you're a stay-at-home mom, but I just think about the motherhood journey and how even we can twist the sacrifice that we're giving of ourselves. There are days where it comes so naturally, and then days like for me today, it does not come naturally. It is ripping me to shreds from the inside out to sacrifice for my kids. But it is worship. It is absolutely worship to pour ourselves out for our children, to love them, to show them the love of Christ, and to ultimately show them—as much as I love you—I've been telling Ellie this a lot lately, as much as I love you, nobody loves you like Jesus.
And she's been repeating that a lot. I'll ask her, I'm like, Ellie, who loves you the most? And she'll say, Jesus loves me the most. I'm like, that's right. Because I love you so much. But my love is so imperfect. I'm a broken, imperfect person. And she's like, yeah, I know. I'm like, girl, you know. You know I'm so imperfect. But Jesus loves you perfectly. And what a beautiful thing that we get to experience that perfect love—not in a perfect way that we expect him to love us or the way we expect him to express his love for us, but it is perfect love that we get to experience from our Father. And it's beautiful to see that in your journey as well.
Gracie: It's good. It's so good.
Natalie: So, Gracie, your story is so beautiful and so many twists and turns. If a mama would like to connect with you and just learn more about your story or just, you know, love on you and encourage you, maybe they've experienced something similar, how could they get ahold of you and contact you?
Gracie: Yeah, I mean, I'm not the most—I don't really think I'm popular or famous or anything by any means, but I have a social media presence. And so I think my Instagram is Gracie Clowe, which is my name. I think that maybe—I can't actually remember my handle. I think it's Gracie Clowe, but you can search me up on Facebook or Instagram or you can ask Natalie for my number. Any of those things is great. I'd love to connect with anybody who wants to talk more. Yeah.
Natalie: Wonderful. Well, I appreciate you and just love your heart and love you as a dear sister and friend in Christ.
Gracie: Thank you too. Thank you so much.
